OMFG The ZOMBIES are coming! CDC Issues survival manual

With May 21st fast approaching and armageddon casually strolling down our collective driveways it seems that the CDC are trying to trump Harold Camping and his Rapture by issuing a genuine disaster prevention program aimed at keeping safe in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse.

Sounds ominous doesn’t it? Looks like those crazy geneticists have finally gone too far and created that most awful, fearsome, disgusting, foul and deadly creature of all – THE ZOMBIE.

I can’t imagine anything less scary than being overrun by a horde of smelly shufflers, dragging their mangled, rotting limbs behind them in search of sustenance from human brains; stumbling into the house, mumbling incessantly and knocking things over while drooling on the carpets rendering them irredeemable, thus costing a fortune in new furnishings (because you can bet your bottom dollar that ‘Zombie Apocalypse’ isn’t on the house contents insurance policy) once the rot has finally set in and conquered.

I had a very similar experience when I went to see British 90‘s indie band “Ride” play live. I stood in a crowd of people who were staring so intently at their shoes the whole time that the room became a mass of buffeting shufflers with no awareness of anything about them, so lost in the mesmerising lure of their laces they were.

Human or zombie? Hard to tell a shoegazer from the undead.

The Center for Diseases Control and Prevention has gone to pains to make sure we’re ready in the event of a shuffler outbreak and have taken a similar approach to dealing with natural disasters on a personal level. These steps include having an ‘emergency kit’ on hand at all times. The kit should include First Aid supplies, spare clothes, a battery powered radio, a torch, clean water and enough food to last a few days until you can get to a safe house or emergency centre.


No mention of chainsaws? What a let down.

Let’s face it though, in the event of a zombie holocaust we wouldn’t have to wait long until it was safe to go outside again; a few days in and they’d all have rigor mortis or would have fallen apart from stinky rot.

And why oh why do zombies never attack each other? Undead biggots.

Old school zombies are not exactly the fastest creatures either; they’re really the procrastinators of the monster universe. See a pack of bloodthirsty zombies? Casually walk past and ignore them.

Zombies. Terrifying.

For those of us that have seen zombie apocalypse movies like ‘Dawn of the Dead’ we should be pragmatic enough to know that we NEVER attempt to make it to an emergency compound. They’re a recipe for disaster and as we all know, one zombie bite can turn a whole city into ambling, maggot spilling pus-bags in the space of a few hours – even faster than Big Brother.

So why is the CDC issuing a Zombie Apocalypse preparedness program?

The conspiracy theorists (or ‘Truthers’ as they’ve rebranded themselves recently) will be jumping for joy and thanking the heavens that their wish for a real life zombie infestation (read as ‘any attack on mankind’) has come true. Their existences will be validated and they will have been granted bragging rights over all those doubters in the world who cruelly referred to them as ‘nutjobs’, ‘scaremongers’, ‘sensationalists’ and ‘twats’.

Riddle me this Truthers. "Never let the truth get in the way of a good conspiracy" - That's their motto. Well, it would be if they started having a motto.

Should we be scared though? This is an official government agency and if they’re saying there’s zombies then there must be zombies.

Hate to shatter your fantasy but the CDC has cleverly chosen to use zombies as the response to fears over radiation from the Fukushima disaster in Japan because by doing so they have reached a wider audience than they normally would. It turns out that they’ve had a lot of questions from members of the public asking whether zombies are a real possibility or not due to radiation.

My god, people = stupid.

Do some homework; look at the last large scale radioactive leaks and see for yourselves that there were no zombies created by Chernobyl for instance. You’ve no need to fear zombies anyway – they’ll all be sat in their lazyboys drinking ‘Bud’ and watching American Idol, playing World of Warcraft or listening to Alex Jones ranting about nothing in particular.

These situations really are the result of two generations of humans being raised by the electric babysitter and the only reason we’d ever have to fear a real zombie apocalypse is if TV transmissions ended and the hordes went in search of a feed from the cathode ray teat.

Switch off the television set, go out and do something less boring instead. The westernised world is awash with TV addicted Zombies.

Hats off to the CDC for a clever piece of marketing, and although their zombie advice may seem perverse to the more sane out there, it does serve as a good common sense guide to living and coping with a natural disaster such as floods, fires, hurricanes and of course radioactive-zombie-making-satellites crashing to Earth.

Get a healthy debate going on a possible zombie apocalypse by leaving a comment.


Kate Middleton jailed just days before becoming a princess

Imagine if that were true! The media would get themselves and everyone else into such a frenzy that the swirling vortex of chaos would be visible from space, much like Katie Price’s tits – yes the very same airbags that didn’t almost save her life earlier this week when she didn’t almost die in a traffic accident, blown out of proportion by everyone involved.

She only has herself to blame for her out-of-proportion tits.

Royal coupling related crap deemed newsworthy today includes that they are having the London Chamber Orchestra play at their wedding. Well, that’s not entirely front headline stuff is it? ‘Queen chokes to death in drunken speed eating contest during 108th sticky bun’; ‘Celebrity spotted exhibiting talent’, ‘Lady Gaga wears bikini made of egg white’ or ‘Gaga admits “I’m really not that talented”, these are the headlines we’re really gagging for.

Not much to report in the royal wedding build up so here's a picture of Kate in her bikini. Is it cold?

Now I like a bit of the old classical, me. After a wonderful evening, I like nothing more than a bit of Ludwig Van. But it’s not so newsworthy is it? ‘Prince Charles opts for gender reassignment’ – that’s newsworthy. And the royal duo’s choice of muzak is by no means as un-newsworthy as other un-newsworthy news.

What female celebrities wear seems to be very important. In fact, it is so important that sections in generic celebrity magazines are dedicated to them.

Of course, these magazines’ key demographic is of vacuous air-headed females who care more about hairdos, handbags and lipstick, than they do about the impending oil crisis, of which they are probably unaware. I look forward to seeing them staggering around post-apocalypse reapplying lip gloss to their caramelized faces, trying to find their lost high-heel that contains their blown off foot, still dragging around handbags that are slightly smaller than a Venezuelan fishing village, containing every book penned by Marian Keyes and Stephanie Meyers at least a year’s subscription to Grazia; enough Tampax to stem the sanguine flow in a football team of heavily menstruating porn ‘stars’, discarded tights that still smell faintly of yeast, enough make-up to permanently mummify themselves three times over and an industrial-sized bottle of perfume takes two people to operate when the 15 minute reapplication scent, face powder and lip gloss is required.

Some of them have faces under there you know.

[adsense]These over painted, parodies of femininity look like blow-up dolls and behave like zombies, so I’m sure the apocalypse will be kind to them. And let’s face it, they have pretty much all they need to survive in their giant handbags anyway. They could live off the fat in their lipsticks for a month alone and use the tights and perfume to create a safety circle around them.

‘Bint who survived post-apocalypse by eating lipstick fat and stymieing zombies with smelly tights and excessive use of celebrity endorsed perfume, finally dies wearing pink cardigan and Jimmy Choos’. Read our special report on how she kept slim during her one-month of survival.

Spare a thought for the hypocrisy of the media who ebb and flow like a tide of effluent by leaving a comment.

Read about the start of the Royal Wedding hype; pressure on Kate and Wills to have a baby; the ‘X Factor‘ wedding; and the Bishop who poured scorn on the wedding.


Could the Walking Dead become a reality?

Okay, the idea of zombies crawling from the earth, stinking and falling apart, stumbling around in a bid to eat our brains sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?

George Romero brought zombies to the fore with his 60s, 70s and 80s undead extravanganzas, in which masses of dead rose from their graves and turned ordinary people into walking, mumbling rotting shadows of themselves.

Since then a glut of zombie movies have hit the big screens. Resident Evil: Afterlife (based on Capcom’s epic Resident Evil games) starring Mila Jovovich as a rogue infectee with super powers has gone some way to sexing up the zombie genre, taking Romero’s old school “something fell from the sky and turned everyone into zombies” formula and giving it a more scientifically believable basis.

Some years back British blockbusters 28 Days Later and it’s follow up 28 Weeks Later stepped away from zombie tradition by using a hybrid virus based on Rabies and Ebola causing people to become crazed lunatics.  The film shows blood transference as the carrier and the reason the infection spread so rapidly.

Since then the gaming community has enjoyed such fare as Left4dead 1& 2 in which you play the role of a survivor in a zombie apocalypse where the festering horrors sprint at you en masse, spray bile all over you, pin you down so the hordes can munch on you and one super beast even throws cars at you.  Very unfriendly.

AMC have added to the zombie ranks with Walking Dead, a show that looks set to have the drooling zombie fans of the nation on the edges of their seats.

In the wake of such a popularity shift some scientists have researched the possible causes of zombie symptoms and one study called The Truth Behind Zombies, to be screened by National Geographic, discusses a very feasible cause.

They have calculated that a hybrid of rabies and influenza would cause a zombie epidemic that would sweep the country in a very short time.  Rabies can lead to people and animals becoming crazed and violent (as depicted in the film Quarantine).  Rabies can actually take up to a year to become prevalent in a sufferer which contradicts the rapid transformation so often seen in freshly savaged zombie victims.

Scientists are however sticking with the super rabies virus theory by saying that the virus can evolve and it could, in time, mean that the incubation period would reduce sufficiently to cause rapid deterioration in its host.

They add that when combined with influenza you would have an airborne contagion that would spread so rapidly, most people would become shuffling, shoe gazing brain eaters in a matter of a few days.

Throw in a sprinkle of the afore mentioned Ebola virus which causes internal bleeding and an eventual, explosive and bloody death, and you have yourself a winning formula for a zombie holocaust.

Let us know your thoughts about zombies, or tell us how you’d cope with a zombie outbreak by leaving a comment.

Read our Halloween special about Scooby Doo.