Controversial Rihanna Admits She is a C***.

Posted on September 25, 2011 by david

Barbadian songstress Rihanna has been grabbing more attention for her very famous herself, this time by wearing a necklace that spelled out what other sites have referred to as ‘the ‘c’ word’ and have labelled inappropriate. I think they mean the word ‘c***’ and I don’t think it’s ever been more appropriate.

[adsense]Rihanna’s always twatting about in front of us wearing as little as possible in order to display what little talent she’s got, but this time she’s really pushed the boundaries by wearing the c*** necklace whilst inside a place of worship – yes, a church. Wowie – it’s like Madonna snogging a black priest all over again. And Lady Gagagagaga and all the desperate stuff she does in order to be seen as controversial, even though she’s just a crap little girl with horrific taste in clothes trying to be Madonna and every other influential female artist of the last three decades.

It seems that Rihanna and Lady Gaga are constantly playing catch up with each other over who can garner the most publicity for their ridiculous public personas based around tasteless clothes; with poor feeble Kate Perry only managing a paltry amount of attention for her safe girl-next-door coloured wigs and curiosity as to why the likes of Russell Brand would want to marry someone as girly and dull as she seems to be.

Anyway, the Umbrella singer was sightseeing in a Brazilian chapel in Rio de Janeiro, either on holiday after her previous holiday yachting around Europe with a coven of her cackling female friends who probably only hang out with her because she’s rich, unless of course it was all a planned exercise in media attention grabbing. Call me cynical. One of the most famous churches in the world in a very sacred country, some jumped up brat with one song to her name that she probably didn’t write, wearing a necklace with a naughty word on it – how very Madonna of her.

Rihanna is not the first celebrity to wear a ‘c*** necklace’, Natalie Portman and Julia Roberts wore theirs years ago, so she’s not even original. And Charlie Sheen wears one on a regular basis, although his charges by the hour.

Rihanna is currently on tour with her lovely Umbrella rhyme and was having a day off from performing it partially naked, to enjoy a sightseeing trip.

The entire day was very eventful as according to one website, ‘at one point, she [Rihanna] leaned over and took in the spectacular view while sipping a drink.’ Achingly descriptive. I feel like I was really there. When people ask me in years to come where I was when Rihanna leaned over and sipped a drink, I can happily say that I was having my colon irrigated in East Village.

Earlier in the week, Rihanna was spotted on the beach with friends, sipping cocktails and having a henna tattoo – wow she’s just like one of us, only inexplicably exceptionally famous and rich.

Rihanna will appear on stage tomorrow night at the Rock in Rio festival where hopefully she will perform her famous Umbrella song whilst watched intently by her fan.

It’s not the first time Rihanna has exposed her c*** in public and no doubt it won’t be the last.

Madonna’s Lies About Surgery and Aging.

Posted on September 19, 2011 by david

Back in the eighties when Madonna’s image was based around being super slutty, she released Papa Don’t Preach an innocuous pappy pop ditty about a young tart up the duff who wanted to keep the kid, everyone said what a great role model she was for giving young girls choices and that keeping their baby was another option besides abortion. A great message for 13-year-old girls who have none of the resources that Madonna has/had to bring up a baby without support. Arguably, she could have also been telling girls that it is ok to sleep around at an early age without using some form of protection. Cos that’s positive. But anyway.

Madonna does what she does best.

Ever since then her message to her fanbase of mostly young women and gay men seems to have been based around obsessions regarding image, valuing output over quality, arrogance over humility, and making a killing from being tediously overtly sexual.

Strangely some women see another woman writhing around barely clad in provocative clothing singing silly pseudo-erotic songs as empowering – apparently it makes them want to behave like a slut too.

Madonna: Before and after something that made her look ten years younger than she did ten years ago.

But according to the media Madonna could do no wrong. They coveted the fact that she occasionally dyed her hair and changed image, exalting her for her chameleon like ability to change, as if hair dye wasn’t available at Walmart for five bucks. But she’s an amazing business woman. Apparently. I bet she doesn’t have a board of directors and an entourage of people far more talented than she is to help her decide what she does next.

Madonna’s latest attack on the communal psyche of the female population is to impress on them that aging is bad. Aging must be avoided at all costs. Over and over she lied about having surgery and still remains committed to the lie that she hasn’t had any work done, but her youthful looks are purely down to her faith in the Kabbalah – the fashionable religion for bored rich folk with no soul, having not yet had it returned by the devil after selling it to him in return for inexplicable fame exponentially greater than any talent that they have warrants. Judging by photos of her recently she seems to have bought shares in Photoshop.

Madonna before and after Photoshop

Madonna is a dreadful role model. She spreads the message that aging is wrong and she spreads it to a fanbase that mostly can’t afford to spend a zillion bucks on surgery or facials or injections or whatever she uses. Whilst it is natural for people to want to look their best, the trend these days is to look the best someone else can make you. Images of Madonnna extruded through Photoshop produce more than just aspiration in young women keen to emulate the star, they produce unrealistic goals that can never actually be achieved because no one in their mid-fifties really looks 21. It’s a sad fact.

Madonna is good at self promotion, but it’s a brand of self promotion akin to a bull in a china shop. She will stop at nothing to ‘push buttons’ as she calls it. Her pseudo sexual Sex book was risible and only enjoyed by teenage boys who couldn’t find someone their own age to masturbate over; gay men who will adore anything wearing too much make-up that costume changes every 17 seconds; and a few old men who will masturbate over anything, be it man or beast.

Then there is the matter of her adopting from third-world countries when she could be supporting the child in its own habitat. Good role model? Nah.

Stars of Madonna’s ilk eg image-driven pop stars (Lady Gaga, Katy Perry etc) who would rather sell records to everyone rather than have an elite fanbase should take responsibility for their fans, generally young people who like their music unchallenging, and should behave accordingly.

Madonna for Louis Vuitton Shoot before and after Photoshop

Madonna for Louis Vuitton: unrecognizable after Photoshop.

If you must have surgery or if you are Photoshopped beyond recognition, be open about it. Or even better, age naturally. What better example is that to young women already obsessed about their bodies and who can’t afford personal trainers, surgery and Photoshop.

To those that are not taken in by her paltry waffling pop fodder and see her as merely as a jumped up strumpet masquerading as an artiste, she epitomises everything that is wrong and ghastly about the music industry. And now it seems she has produced progeny in the form of Lady Gaga. A woman so intent on fame and attention that she will wear bacon.

And that video of Madonna in her fifties when she wore a child’s pink high-legged leotard is the female equivalent of an old bald man driving around in a Porsche.

No.

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Freezeframe: New Snake Oil Promises Wrinkle-free Skin in Under Five Minutes

Posted on September 18, 2011 by david

A new product that claims to be as effective as Botox but that doesn’t involved being extensively perforated like a wrinkly voodoo doll on a regular basis has been released and has paranoid women in the UK waiting for it in their thousands. Aging and overweight women are the easiest target on the planet. They’d buy snake oil labelled ‘Snake oil’ so long as it also had the words ‘anti-aging’ or ‘weightloss’ in the title and was endorsed by an unprincipled celebrity grinning like they had an ecstasy omelette for breakfast, when really it’s the prospect of oodles of cash they are getting paid to encourage the hoi polloi to spend the cash they grafted long and hard for on largely ineffective products, that is making them smile.

Freezeframe: before and after and without Photoshop, apparently.

No one really looks forward to getting old, our bones are stiff, our tits and faces droop – sometimes simultaneously, and our urge to go nightclubbing gets replaced with the urge to wear slippers edged with highly flammable fake fur and watch soap operas. We look in the mirror one day and with a jolt, we realize that our cheeks are slacker than our tits and our tits are nowhere near the upper part of our bodies that are stooped so low that we can lick our feet for the first time in years. And we’re only 37.

Madonna before and after Photoshop.

So when quick fixes such as Botox injections, facelifts, and the newest instant age repair system – Freezeframe – come trotting helpfully along, we all whoop like fillies and rush out in our scuffed stilettos in order to put our name down on the list. We don’t think about the risks or the long-term effects because they don’t matter, so long as we look ten years younger. Inject us with anything you like. Break our bones and reset them. Do ANYTHING, so long as we look young and slim.

Freezeframe: all the benefits of Botox without the discomfort.

These quick fixes are just that, the long-term effects are still unknown and by having them done we are encouraging the next generation to be just as foolish and sickeningly appearance obsessed as we are. How will our daughters feel when they hit their twenties and their forty-year-old mothers have tauter skin than they do? We all want to remain young, we all want to still be attractive, but if takes reconstructive surgery, regular injections or creams whose long-term effects are still unknown – then it’s not real.

Madonna swears she hasn't had any surgery.

Freezeframe’s new miracle serum claims it can reveal smoother younger looking skin in a matter of minutes, after just a few dabs with the product. Hmmm. That sounds safe. But never mind, 14,000 desperate and bewrinkled sows in the UK have already put their names down on the weighting list to receive the product which retails for under a $100. The product’s creators say that it contains muscle-relaxing ingredients that make wrinkles disappear in just five minutes. One of its main ingredients is Snap-8, a protein that stops nerve cells from producing chemicals that signal muscles to contract. It also uses a new ingredient called Inhibox that consists of amino acids that repair aging skin cells and cause a tightening feeling on the skin. They claim that the product is 30% more effective than other ‘Botox in a bottle’ type treatments. According to ‘tests’ most women saw a 35% reduction in wrinkles after 28 days.

These celebrities are in their forties and have wrinkles - disgusting.

If there was a product that eradicated wrinkles in five minutes, was affordable and was proven to be entirely safe, I’d marinate myself in it, but I don’t trust these products and I don’t believe their claims. I don’t know how a serum applied to the outer dermis can penetrate the skin and cripple the muscles below. Sounds like bullshit in a bottle to me. And what happens when the product wears off? Back to looking like a fucked cushion again? [adsense]What we need to do is look at the way society sees aging, in women in particular. If Madonna, Danni Minogue, Nicole Kidman, the girls from Friends and all the other celebrities stopped using these treatments and allowed themselves to age more realistically and naturally in the public eye, then perhaps normal women would give themselves a break from trying to emulate a perfection that is achieved by surgeon’s knifes, lighting tricks and by sleeping in a bath of Photoshop every night. We still don’t know what the long-term effects of Photoshop are. Until we do, we are better off eating healthily (yeah it sucks) and treating our bodies with more care than we currently do. The only way of really remaining young is to die before you hit your forties, and that really is a little drastic. There can be as much beauty in a fifty-year old face as in a twenty-year old face. Wake up world, there are more important things to worry about. Anal fissures, for one thing.

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Madonna to release another signature scent

Posted on September 15, 2011 by david

Not to be outdone by her clone Lady Gaga, Madonna is upping the stakes by flooding the market with her very own ‘signature scent’ according to reports in the webloids today.

Having been an ‘international business woman’ for decades our dear old Madge is now turning her moniker to perfumes and while some sites have expressed their surprise that Madonna didn’t release her own fragrance earlier in her career, I’ve always been of the opinion that she released her signature scent with every new single, album, book or film she shat out.

A first glance at Madonna's perfume. Very classy looking and comes with a free FM radio so you can smell like her while listening to her excellent songs.

Last month she released the ‘Material Girl‘ range with her official progeny Lourdes, a line of products with her name on them designed to magnetise the pocket money of young girls into her own bank account so that she can continue to purchase sacrificial virgins from third world countries to make herself look younger.

Madonna looking young and healthy without the need for plastic surgery.

Of course she has never once had surgery and it is in fact her secret cabal that keeps her looking young. Or something like that.

Anyway, her forthcoming perfume is being developed by Coty, a fragrance giant that I’ve never heard of. The deal is still in the balance at the moment which is terribly exciting and no doubt there will be prayers and hopes hinging on the deal being completed so that girls of all ages can douse themselves in alcoholic pot-pourri and be as generic as the progenitor herself.

Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce have already beaten Madonna to the punch with their own fragrances called Glow and Heat respectively, both also conjured up by Coty.

It’s also highly possible that the fragrances will be tested on animals, not because they’re vain and want to smell like a ropey old tart, but because apparently spraying poison into their eyes is a good indication of how a human will react to it.

Actually, looking at Madonna is not unlike having poison sprayed in the eyes.

If a human is stupid enough to spray perfume in their eyes they deserve all the misery they get. Idiots. And that goes for the people who think that animal testing is acceptable. Surely products for humans should be tested on humans? No?

Having read the headlines this morning I thought Madge had ventured into the world of porn but alas I was mistaken. Oh hang on. Yeah she did try that with that god-awful Body of Evidence and her risible Sex book.

Madonna looking for her soul.

You can look forward to splashing on a bit of Madonna’s stinking juice should the deal go ahead and probably pay through the nose for it. Not in a “I’ve lost my septum through cocaine addiction” kind of way, just a “Oh dear there goes my soul which is helping Madonna pay off her debt to Satan” kind of way.

With only a few years left Madonna is trying to make sure her retirement is a comfortable one.

Or you can see it for what it is, Madonna looking to prolong her career and income any way she can, even though she’s a relic of a dying industry which is going to burn out when the stupid people run out of money to buy its asinine goods.

Please, splash a bit of musk in the comment box to let us know your thoughts on Madonna’s latest venture.

Read about Madonna’s comments on Lady Gaga, her movie directorial debut, Lady Gaga copying everyone in sight, falling off her piano stool and best of all falling off her own shoes at a photo shoot.

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Sandra Bullock Wears This Season's Fashion – A black baby.

Posted on September 12, 2011 by david

Ambassador for unremitting blandness Sandra Bullock has been photographed clutching this season’s ultimate in airport fashion accessory chic – a black baby. It seems that any celebrity worth her weight in liposuction is being snapped in an airport toting a black kid like it’s part of her entourage of designer luggage.

Girl-next-door personified Bullock continues a weird trend started most famously by the likes of Madonna and the squid lipped bird married to Brad Pitt, that dictates that Hollywood’s elite should not even consider leaving the house without wearing a baby plucked from a third-world country or somewhere.

[adsense]Bullock whose most famous roles include a very credible butch gun totin’ undercover cop who has to glam up in order to enter a beauty contest to investigate the murder of a beauty queen (excuse the vague synsopsis – I’ve never actually watched it). The film also features a love interest in the form of her partner on the force – which is perfect for cineastes who like their movies to have a unique and unexpected twist. She was also the protagonist in Speed – a film about a fast coach.

Anyway, Bullock’s back catalog of generic movies aside, the fashionable black kid baby can be worn on either the left or the right side of the body; draped or cradled.

Bullock adopted the black baby who she named Louis after Louis Armstrong (because he is black) after she broke with husband Jesse James. James quickly moved on to the beautiful Kat Van Dee – the picture encrusted tattoo artist. James described his life with Bullock as dull and said that she was more interested in watching boring DVDs than having sex or doing anything else.

Sandra and baby Bullock. He's not her real baby. She bought him.

Adopting a child from a third world country is the ultimate ‘look how charitable I am’ statement. Public charitable gestures have always been considered utterly distasteful. If the likes of Madonna, Jolie and Bullock really wanted to make a difference and really cared about black kids, perhaps they could fund an orphanage that helped multiple kids, rather than just forcing one into a lifetime’s scrutiny beneath the public eye and dressing them in Paul Smith romper suits that co-ordinate with their own clothes.

Any child snatched from its origins will risk suffering cultural issues and paradise complexes. A kid gallivanting around Hollywood in a black Rolls Royce like Justin Bieber and wearing Chanel tracksuits might feel a certain amount of guilt when it realises the cost of its designer socks could feed its real family for a week. Or maybe it won’t feel that at all. I don’t know which is worse.

Sandra Bullock wears the latest in New Orleans chic - a black kid.

There doesn’t seem to be a trend for black actors to adopt white children but then white children clearly aren’t so fashionable.

Perhaps Bullock, Jolie and Madonna watched too much ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ when they were children. It would also explain a lot about their acting.

What are you talking about Bullock?!

Don’t forget if you are on your hols in Malawi to pick up your black baby souvenir.

Other white celebrities who have adopted black children include Steven Spielberg, Tom and Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.

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Cyndi Lauper Fluffs Lyrics to US National Anthem – Is she a Traitor?

Posted on September 11, 2011 by david

The original quirky woman of eighties pop, Cyndi Lauper – she who was Lady Gaga before Lady Gaga was even a drunken twinkle in Daddy Gaga’s grubby tinkle – has been castigated all over the internet (on Twitter no less) for the heinous crime of fluffing the lyrics to the US national anthem during the US Open where the ten-year anniversary of 9/11 was commemorated.

The unforgiveable mishap took place as the chanteuse turned traitor performed The Star-Spangled Banner before the women’s final between Serena Williams and Caroline Wozniacki. All was going well until she got to the line “O’er the ramparts, we watched as our flag was still streaming.” And then she foolishly sang. “O’er the ramparts we watch’d were so gallantly streaming.” What is wrong with her? An audience of millions commemorating a momentous event in American history and she went and made a mistake. I bet Madonna wouldn’t have made a mistake. But then Madonna probably doesn’t have a human heart. Nor an exceptional voice.

Cyndi Lauper in the 80s before she became a heretic.

Cyndi Lauper originally found fame in the eighties as a kooky songstress with an exceptional and inimitable voice and a unique oft-bizarre style of dress to match. When all the generic world was jerking off to Madonna’s slutty dance pop and revealing clothes, Lauper sang from the heart, kept her tits in her tunic and wasn’t afraid to be herself. She seemed to have a vocal range of a trillion octaves that could engrave her name on a glass and then shatter it, at fifty paces. Above all she was herself. And didn’t use a sexy image to sell her music. A record company’s nightmare in other words.

Critics have organised a virtual lynch mob and have taken up flaming torches and are running through the internet via Twitter – the social networking equivalent of chewing gum – to attack Lauper, setting fire to the internet and raping her service provider.

After such a nefarious faux pas by Lauper it’s no wonder she hasn’t brought the entire internet down or at the very least, been burned at the stake for the simple crime of heresy.

[adsense]If burning witches was still de rigeur, I don’t think Americans would be beyond their rights if they demanded that Lauper be raised to the ground. A very fitting punishment for a wholly unforgiveable crime.

Reprimanding someone for accidentally forgetting a lyric (especially in front of an audience the size of the world) is like telling someone with a sore throat off for coughing. And Cyndi Lauper need not worry anyway, if the internet did get burnt down, my nan could knit the world a new one in a weekend.

It might also be worth mentioning that the anti-american songstress who is probably also a muslim extremist, has recently spearheaded a housing facility in New York aimed at homeless lezzers, gayers and transgenderers that opened on September 9^th in Harlem. Probably a clever cover for her crimes against the US.

Cyndi Lauper - fluffed national anthem lyrics

Cyndi Lauper fluffed the 'Star Spangled Banner' lyrics. Is she a muslim sympathizer?

Lauper has been an advocate of gay rights since being gay was invented by Boy George in the early eighties, long before gay men were considered the ultimate fashion accessory. She was upset by the disgusting and disturbing reports of verbal and physical abuse suffered by gays, lesbians et al in places where they were trying to seek help.

“This is shocking and inexcusable,” she wrote. “Our primary goal is to provide a physically and emotionally safe and supportive environment that will empower our young residents to be the self-loving, happy and successful individuals they were meant to be.”

The five-story building energy-efficient building consists of 30 apartments, a computer room, resource library and outdoor area and offers support for 18-24-year.

But more importantly, she fluffed the lyrics to The Star Spangled Banner. Burn her.

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Has Madonna Finally Had Enough of Lady Gaga?

Posted on September 8, 2011 by david

It was only a matter of time before someone eventually came along to give Madonna a run for her money, as she hasn’t managed to shit out anything good since Ray of Light. And whilst we expected it to be someone more cleverly manipulative than the goddess herself, it turns out to be a snotty half-headed troll with an eye on Madge’s throne who will stop at nothing including outrageous copycatting in order to get there.

[adsense]Whilst they say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery, it is also the most annoying form of shattery.

Madonna has been hawking her 53-year-old skeleton around the Venice Film Festival this past week, doing the obligatory rounds to promote her new film W.E., based on the life of Wallis Simpson.

Belgian magazine Le Soir reported that when asked about Lady Gaga, Lady Madonna purportedly replied “As for Lady Gaga, I have no comment on her obsessions related to me, because I do not know if it is based on something profound or superficial.”

Madonna and Lady Gaga fight to see who is the sexiest.

This came just hours after footage of Queen Madge ungraciously accepted a fan’s gift of a hydrangea whilst her microphone was still switched on, was leaked like piss from a geriatric all over the internet. The squillionaire songstress smiled weakly and thanked the fan before turning to the person next to her and saying that she hated hydrangeas. The clip went viral, attracting a million hits within a millisecond or less. Or something like that.

Of the Gaga slight, Madonna’s PR’ist denied the quote, telling UK’s celebrity rag newspaper The Daily Mail “This is not true. Madonna did not say anything negative about Lady Gaga during her press conference.” However the news had already been spattered all over the internet like diarrhea cascading from a tardy pensioner.

Lady Gaga professes to be a huge fan of Madonna and has spent much of her short career emulating the eighties icon. You don’t have to look far on the internet to see images and footage of Gaga blatantly copycatting Madonna (not to mention a host of other female icons such as Bette Midler and most recently Annie Lennox.)

Their much publicised rivalry was sent up in an embarrassing skit they appeared in on Saturday Night Live two years ago, when they performed a catfight whilst dressed like cat burgling pole dancers.

“We’re both Italian-American women, we both started out in the New York underground scene – and we both became famous when we dyed our hair blonde. I think what Madonna and I share is that we’re both fearless, we both have a lot of nerve,” she burbled at the time of the skit.

The Queen of England and I are both British, we’ve both had brown hair and we both live in London. Wow – I am so like Elizabeth 2.

And then Gaga released her single Express Yourself, I mean Born This Way at the beginning of this year which bore so much resemblance to Madonna’s eighties hit Born This Way, sorry I meant Express Yourself that Madonna wondered how she herself had had the time to go into the recording studio to churn out yet another boring dance single, when she was already very busy dating children.

Madonna's labia vs Lady Gaga's labia.

It seemed that anyone familiar with Madonna’s version of her own track noticed the blatant similarities immediately and a copy of the video of the Madgster performing the track was quickly posted on Madonna’s official YouTube page. But the Gagster was vehement in her denial that she had blatantly ripped off Express YourWay telling NME “I am not stupid enough to put out a record and be that moronic.” Well you are…because you kinda already did.

“I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of [shit] music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody?”

Later on The Tonight Show she told Jay Leno that Madonna & company had given the ripped-off Born Yourself her blessing. “I got an e-mail from her people and her, sending me their love and complete support on behalf of the single and if the queen says it shall be, then it shall be. [so there]” Cackled the manwitch. But Madonna’s people reportedly said that they were unaware that any such email existed.

When it came to the nefarious hydrangea incident Madonna’s PR folk said “No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers.”

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Katie Price's magazine helps bring on the apocalypse

Posted on September 5, 2011 by david

When someone who can’t successfully combine a collection of words together in order to form a coherent sentence releases a magazine; and when that someone is mostly famous for having big crap tits; and you know, even though you hate to have to admit the fact to yourself, that a bunch of IQ-dodging low-achievers will buy that magazine and try to emulate said large-titted no brain, then you realise, beyond doubt, that there is a problem with society. And it’s a biggun.

Katie Price aka Jordan, although ‘moron’ might be more pertinent, is so self-obsessed and greedy that she is releasing a monthly publication called classily Katie: My Magazine. Katie has already admitted quite admirably that she is not responsible for the books that are published under her name – but she does come up with the ideas.

Katie My Magazine. You know what this means: we're all doomed.

Celebrities used to be famous for doing something exceptional. They acted, sang, composed music, wrote books and were generally better than us at least something. Then all of a sudden they had to endorse a perfume or a clothing range, then actors were singing, singers were acting (Madonna was crap; Cher was good) and then they started ‘designing’ their own ranges of lingerie (think Elle MacPherson) or clothing ranges for trashy high-street stores (Kate Moss, Madonna, Penelope Cruz.) And now, the grotesque monstress that is Katie Price – with her porn-rag glamour and bloated femininity who appears to have all the class and charisma of a beef and tomato pot noodle, goes and does a magazine.

Katie Price symbolises a new and grotesque celebrity type. She is famous for having big tits that aren’t hers. Yet Katie Price has been elevated to some kind of Madonna to council house types who see her as one of them come good.

[adsense]Unlike Gaga, who does have a modicum of talent despite being the world’s greatest media whore, Katie Price has no talent. And that takes some doing, to have absolutely no talent and still be considered emulation worthy, even if it is by a pack of dribbling benefit-seekers whose idea of a good meal is a tin of corned beef and a can of stout consumed in a vandalised bus shelter in the north of England.

Katie Price: shitty in pink

At just £3.99 per issue, the glamour moggle is offering her readers insight into her favorite recipes, beauty products that she simply cant live without: grout, scaffolding, Botox etc; and will include her fashion ideas (think pink), and Katie’s thoughts (I’ve generously used a plural there).

Katie Price has risen, turning herself into a lucrative and marketable product much as Madonna and Lady Gaga have done. She’s become a working class heroine for a hoi polloi too uneducated to see beyond the pages of Hello! Magazine. As a business woman – like Madonna – she is almost admirable but I’m not sure it’s a good idea for young women to be reading the thought (s) of someone with the IQ of a pencil and the personality of a rice krispie

Big tits.

What a hugely sad and worrying indictment of our times it is when a stupid basket ball breasted munter with no discernible soul acts as a beacon of hope for young women. Surely the British general public haven’t sunk this low yet. I pray that Katie; My Magazine is an unmitigated flop. If not, Britain is really and truly doomed.

I wonder who helped her come up with the title.

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Madonna New Film and She Still Denies Surgery – It’s the Kabbalah Apparently.

Posted on September 2, 2011 by david

Doesn’t Madonna look fresh-faced these days all of a sudden, as if by magic? At the Venice Film Festival, the 53-year-old pitched up looking no more than five years older than the so-called chubby Madonna so desperate to be famous no matter what it took back in the early- to mid-eighties.

Her desperate need for attention has been unremitting, although she lost a pound or few from her frame along the years, but piled them onto her ego.

[adsense]Madonna is back in the public eye – which means she must want something from us. Oh yes, she is promoting her new film based on the relationship between Edward and Mrs Simpson called W.E. Which probably stands for ‘weak ending’, although it would certainly be on no surprise if it also had a W.B. and a W.M.

She arrived on a speedboat (LOL) wearing a gray frock with red butterflies on that some designer had made just for little old her, and teamed it with red shoes and red sunglasses (even though it was dark – the tit). All very newsworthy stuff.

But if us in our pedestrian gray office jobs didn’t have stars like Madonna and Lady Gaga to false idolize, imagine how insipid our pointless little lives would be. I don’t know about you, but if I don’t get my weekly fix of Hello! Magazine (which should be renamed ‘Why?’), the week just seems to drag on. I like nothing more than to look at all the pictures of glamorous people I don’t know wearing different outfits in foreign locations I’ve never heard of and will definitely never be able to afford to go, whilst I gorge myself on cheap custard creams and a fat coke before I start processing invoices. I mean… what a life!

Madonna before and after no surgery. I can't wait to look younger than I do now in ten years time.

Since the music industry spat Lady Gaga out through its disgusting and smelly vagina, giving egotistic celebrity haters a new false idol to anti-worship, it’s been easy to forget all about Madonna. And then she brought out another film, (we all know that Madonna and films is a bad mix) and up she pops again in the media, looking like she spent more time directing her own face than she did on the film itself.

Why people are surprised when a squillionaire who can only function when they are in the public eye looks good, when they have access to the world’s best cosmetic surgeons et al, is beyond me and my ilk. People shouldn’t say ‘doesn’t she look good for her age’, they should be saying ‘didn’t they do a good job on Madonna?’

Of course, Madonna knows that her fanbase consists of undereducated know-nothings who wouldn’t know a great piece of music if it got up and gave them liposuction sans anaesthetic, so she vehemently denies having had any surgery done at all. Instead she blames her stupid religion of choice – the kabbalah – for saving her skin and making her wrinkle free despite galloping towards 60 with a ten-year-old boyfriend.

Apparently the kabbalah teaches beauty from within. LOL. Kabbollocks more like. This coming from possibly the vainest woman on the planet (Lady Gaga [always happy to emulate Madonna] comes close second.) who has spent the last 25 years or more rubbing her desperate celebrity minge in the general public’s face and screaming ‘Look at me! Love me!’ (Possibly due to her diminutive size. Short asses are known for their massive compensatory egos and for not being able to reach the cookie shelf.)

Cosmetic surgeons generally concur that the material girl has had extensive surgery performed on her face. And photos abound on the internet that make face lifts look highly likely. In fact, she’s probably undergone more ops than Michael Jackson. Not that it matters. If she wants to spend all her money on kabbalah surgery that’s up to her. Easy come, easy go,

Madonna Denies Having Surgery to Make her Look like Peter Cushing.

Madonna has a lot to prove with this second stab at writing and direction. Her first film ‘Filth and Wisdom’ was shit. But then Madonna and films have always been a mismatch. Her past acting attempts made Pinnochio look like he’d spent forty years under Stanislavsky’s wing. She must shudder as she remembers the awful Desperately Seeking Susan, the pathetic Who’s That Girl, and the utterly dreadful Body of Evidence. Oh and Shanghai Surprise which almost put an end to Sean Penn’s career. But she likes to try her hands at stuff does Madge – like a bored rich kid playing with her toys: Hollywood and the music industry. I imagine that Madonna has always wanted to capture the one thing she can’t have – an intelligent audience. Something she will never achieve with a back catalog of songs akin to aural Haribo.

I hope that this next foray into theatrics will pay off, purely because W.E. features the wonderful Andrea Riseborough (star of The Devil’s Whore). I hope she doesn’t become soiled by Hollywood and all its wretched demons. People with genuine talent should stay away from the pop music industry and Hollywood.

Has Madonna had more surgery than a patchwork quilt? Maybe she was born with it. Or maybe it’s the kabbalah.

Peter Cushing.

Personally, if I was really rich and intelligent, I’d avoid any organised religion that made me look like I’d just come around from an anaesthetic having just had extensive facial surgery.

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Images: posh24.com, viciousmomma.blogspot.com, fresnobeehive.com, awfulplasticsurgery.com

Elvis Presley impersonators litter Graceland for 34th anniversary of the King's death

Posted on August 16, 2011 by david

Thirty-Four years may not seem like an anniversary of any particular note but to thousands of Elvis Presley fans it’s as significant as any other number. They descended in droves upon Graceland, former home now turned shrine to the King; a grotesque money making scam celebrating the life of a man too young to die but too fat to live.

The grounds are filled with lookalikes sporting white jump suits, mirror ball glasses, thick black sideburns and paunches too boot, all with candles for a night time vigil. At least Elvis Presley hasn’t suffered the same ignominy as Jim Morrison with posthumous tributes from ‘fans’ including such fare as bottles of vodka, spliffs and even pissing on his grave. Thankfully the gates of Graceland are not decorated with fried cheese sandwiches and double-decker burgers with all the trimmings.

As it was in 1957, Graceland opens its gates.

Quite what the fascination is with Elvis and Americans is hard to understand. The singer who passed away on August 16^th, 1977 seemed to ascend to god like proportions after his death and even while alive he drew massive crowds of mainly hysterical women who all hoped they’d be the one in Priscilla’s shoes.

Certainly the current scenes at Graceland display a public with no imagination at all, each dressed in the Presley uniform of flares and bling to match whichever colour they choose. The world is infested with Elvis impersonators and on this day every year they all seem to converge on the place where it all went wrong.

Bruce Campbell portrays Elvis in Bubba Ho Tep; because the world needs more Elvises.

The excess in which he lavished himself, though revered and celebrated by many, is in fact utterly disgusting. It is rumoured that the King would buy his fans cars and other expensive trinkets, all of which almost bankrupted him.

Drink and drugs played their part too in the demise of Presley but it seems that his eating disorder and a lack of decent exercise were the real killer in the end. Elvis, you could say, was the progenitor of obesity.

Elvis Presley piled on the pounds in later so he could ape his idol, the Hindenberg.

Today his home is a tomb for all those excesses and yet the world still glorifies the life of a man who captured the imagination of a nation and then threw it all away without a single thought for the people who put him there. Elvis was an early blueprint for celebrities like Justin Bieber, Madonna and Lady Gaga, a map for outfit changes and reinvention on a ridiculous scale.

And yet people like Joe Makowski turn a blind eye to all those negatives and still trail the corpse of a long dead career with as much zeal as a Christian in the pursuit of Jesus; perhaps even believing that the King will one day return and save the world from itself.

Elvis Presley, the father of eating disorders, obesity, personality cults and sycophantism. 'Thank yew veh mush'.

Such fanaticism is almost an illness in itself; any fanaticism exposes a void in a person’s life which they look to blindly fill with devotion to a being they never knew, yet still project perfection upon them as if they were a canvas on which to paint all their desires for a better self.

Having seen Elvis perform live 81 times, travelling to Las Vegas twice a year between 1971 and 1976, Makowski is unable to let his idol rest and uses the anniversary vigils to meet new and like-minded people.

“I get to meet new fans and meet new people, so that’s why I line up here early in the day, the biggest thing I get out of it is seeing the young fans that weren’t even born until years after he passed away.”

“He helped me break out of my shell because I was kind of a shy kid,” added Makowski.

[adsense]Throughout the day Joe is likely to be joined by up to 30,000 others who wish to share in the “I was there” ceremony, as if by being present they are to be granted entry to the big Graceland in the sky when those burgers and fried cheese sandwiches finally clog their arteries.

Crowds of wannabes have flocked there since 1982 when the vigil became an organised event and it is estimated that around 75,000 people will attend next year’s 35^th anniversary. No coincidence then that following the 35^th vigil, the world will supposedly end on December 21st.

Elvis Presley, you have a lot to answer for and your fans should learn to live with the living.

Please share your thoughts on the 34^th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death and the continued fanaticism by leaving a comment.

Read other Elvis related stories such as Gone too fast, rumours about bi-polar disorder, and Michael Jackson and Elvis among the highest posthumous earners.

images: channel4.com, spinoff.comicbookresources.com, telegraph.co.uk, manhattaninfidel.com, mytripsaround.com, cbc.ca

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