Bono considers heightening surgery

Serial arsetumbler (© 2011 Strucorp) and U2 front man, Bono (short for Bono Vox, an Irish shop he named himself after which literally translates to “short bastard”) is considering having surgery to extend his legs because he’s only five foot tall.

After receiving abuse from Kasabian singer Tom something-or-other, Bono also feels the additional height will give him a distinct edge in a fist fight should it come to it. Not The Edge, that much maligned and balding U2 guitarist, no, more of a physical edge.

Bono receding hairline and arse pubes

Bono tried hair stacking to gain height but now realises that only surgery will make him not short.

The surgery is a new, revolutionary technique that takes excess bone and muscle mass from the ego and fingers and places it in the thighs and calves. Due to Bono’s spade like hands, doctors feel they could offer him an extra several feet and he is considering going as high as eight feet.

His current diminutive stature requires him to wear platform shoes, a big hat and drag a huge television set around everywhere he goes so that people can see his ego from space. With the additional height afforded by top surgeons, Bono will be able to ditch the hat so the world will be able to enjoy the pubic hair from his arse which was used to fill in the bald spots on his fat noggin.

How Bono might have looked had he not put his arse hair on his head.

Being from Liecester, UK, Tom thingy from Kasabian is not threatened by Bono or his fans who he dubbed “cardboard cut outs who like one band and one record – Joshua Tree”, because he’s from the East Midlands and is therefore actually pretty hard.

Tom Meighan is quite hard and certainly not scared of Baldy Bono.

Luckily Bono has back up from George W. Bush with whom he made friends during the G8 thing a few years ago. You may remember Madonna, Bob Geldof and U2 played a concert in Hyde Park, London and raised over $60m to aid third world countries. A staggering $7m of that has so far reached those intended to benefit leaving a huge financial deficit the size of Bono’s bald spot (the one he had plugged with arse pubes) and questions over where the money has gone.

When his PR people said, "meet Bush" Bono thought he was there for a new hair piece. He didn't realise he was getting a war criminal.

Still, the world patted itself on the back and celebrities lied to themselves about how valuable and useful they are to society.

The worst part is that a massive protest took place on the same day in Edinburgh, Scotland but the media were too busy feeling the love at Hyde Park and diverting the public’s attention away from the fact that world leaders were preparing to rape their civil liberties.

Luckily Bono is part of the Jubilee 2000 scheme which aimed to encourage first world leaders to drop Africa’s $40bn debt (something Bill Gates could do on his own and still have enough change to buy Monsanto), thus freeing the oppressed people there from tyranny and enslavement. Except that it doesn’t drop the country’s debts, it just allows corrupt politicians and monarchs to continue pouring international aid into their own pockets, still depriving the people who really need it.

Jubilee 2000 did absolutely nothing for the people of Africa but it did help people like Bono sell more CDs.

Bono was not available for comment regarding lengthening surgery but don’t be surprised to see him lining up for the New York Knicks soon.

Share your little thoughts on Bono, Live 8, Jubilee 2000 or arse pube wigs by leaving a comment.

Read about Bono’s back surgery, his World AIDS Day speech, and his deadly spider-man musical.

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Belgian Malinois is the secret hero of Bin Laden's fake death

The propaganda is still being spun after the much publicised and, as far as I’m concerned, fictional discovery and murder of Osama Bin Laden. The media treated us to a rare day of peace and quiet after his supposed death to allow a glorious victory for America and its premier, the do-nothing Barack Osama, er.. Obama to revel in the limelight and push desperately ailing popularity ratings right back up nearing a crucial election time.

With the backing of former president George W. Bush, or as I like to call him, “Fuckarse”, it seems the liberal minded, democratic republican is once again the golden boy.

Progress... Maybe, but not as expected Mr. President.

It now transpires that his credit stealing has been found out though as news today is claiming that the mastermind behind the operation wasn’t in fact Obama and top CIA bods but instead a Belgian Malinois whose identity must of course be kept secret to avoid violently deadly reprisals.

Having heard Obama speak without autocue I can safely say that a dog would indeed have more chance of pulling off this fictional coup than the not-black-not-white-but-still-America’s-first-black-president President.

Now before we get into a hot debate over the publishing of death pictures (or lack of) and Obama’s lame excuse about how they might be used as propaganda to incite violence against US citizens, or how all of a sudden all the talk is about revenge attacks by Al Qaeda operatives meaning that we can expect to see more terrorist activity which when explained will have so many holes in the story that people will be shouting “INSIDE JOB” for the next decade at least, let’s spare a thought for the poor dogs that are sent to war so that our leaders can sleep well at night with a clear consciense as they lie to us through their lying bastard teeth.

Belgian Malinois - he may be cute but he's a brute

A Belgian Malinois just like this one spearheaded the operation to capture Osama Bin Laden

Some of you may remember the dog who used to roam the American countryside making new friends everywhere he went. Well, seems that extremely popular character has inspired Navy Seals to employ a similar tactic.

For sake of argument let’s call it the ‘Hobo Effect’, whereby the US Navy has license to kill anyone they want, but because they use a fluffy dog with a nice face people say, “awwww” while contorting their faces into a sort of fawning-parent-cum-retard arrangement, instead of “awwwww my god they’re murdering people in cold blood.”

Yes these sniffer dogs are used in bomb disposal operations and the like, and they risk their lives every day in wars that aren’t even valid – especially Afghanistan.

Let’s put this into perspective.

A dog can be used to sniff people out if they’re holed up inside a building as has been confirmed by Major William Roberts, commander of the Defense Department’s Military Working Dog Center at Lackland Air Force Base in Texas who made the most obvious statement of the day, nay, possibly ever when he said: “Dogs are very good at detecting people inside of a building.”

I suppose next you’ll be telling us that rain is very good at making us wet as well.

My initial problem with this theory of ‘warm-hearted, beast triumphs of evil terrorist with cuteness’, is that Bin Laden’s compound was supposedly sealed up tighter than a goldfish’s sphincter, so how did a dog get in there to sniff him out?

You’re right, I could be speaking with extreme naivety, so by all means please explain that to me.

The dog in question is an explosives sniffer. Now, I’m no expert on terrorists but I am fairly sensible when it comes to living with dynamite, Semtex or C4 or whatever. Again, naivety could playing its part, but would you seriously hide in a house full of explosives if you were trying to keep a low profile?

Bin laden does a few jobs around the house including a DIY security system

Lloyd Grossman wasn't keen on a 'Through The Keyhole' special at Osama Bin Laden's place

To me, and I’m going out on a limb here as usual, this smacks of vying for public favour by using a cute, fluffy animal to win over the hearts of the more cynical news followers while anchoring the converted firmly in place.

So to all you blind believers who think the media wouldn’t lie and that animals are cute and fluffy and win illegal wars for us by being lovely and playful while living happy lives, let’s spare a thought for Remco who was posthumously awarded a Silver Star after service in Afghanistan.

Poor Remco died so that Bush (Fuckarse) could increase his stake in the oil industry.

Share your thoughts on the cruel use of animals as the front line in war situations by leaving a comment.

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Ding Dong the witch is dead: Osama Bin Laden killed again

Reports of Osama Bin Laden’s death are flooding the internet, radio, newspapers and television this morning after an American led operation supposedly tracked down the most notorious terrorist ever to live and asked him to surrender before shooting him in the head.

There have been street parties in New York since the news broke at around 2am US time and president Barack Obama, a man incapable of stringing a coherent answer together without auto-cue, claims the operation to bring Bin Laden to justice has taken eight months to co-ordinate; about the same time it takes him to form a lucid thought.

Obama said he ‘had enough intelligence’ to issue the order. I highly doubt that.

His statement this morning read: “A small team of Americans carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability. No Americans were harmed. They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body.”

No Americans were harmed. Phew, what a relief.

I believe the dialogue for the confrontation went as follows:

US Navy Seal #1: Give up
Osama Bin Laden: No way
*Bang

George W Bush wanted Osama Bin Laden dead because he was killing his genocide ratings

One of the greatest terrorists ever to , George W. Bush speaks out on Osama Bin Laden's death

Former president and people’s favourite genocidalist, George W. Bush, said: “This momentous achievement marks a victory for America, for people who seek peace around the world, and for all those who lost loved ones on September 11, 2001.”

“The fight against terror goes on, but tonight America has sent an unmistakable message: No matter how long it takes, justice will be done.”

So even after his reign of terror ended, George W. Bush (you decide what the ‘W’ stands for) is still scare mongering and urging the public into believing that ‘The War Against Terror’ is an endless one.

Indeed several world leaders have made sure we remain fearful of attacks by a vengeful CIA, er, I mean Al Qaeda, such as British puppet David Cameron who has put London (and not Wigan or Tamworth) on terror alert.

Cameron said the American operation would ‘bring great relief to people across the world’, and that ‘it is a great success that he has been found and will no longer be able to pursue his campaign of global terror’.

What campaign is that then? He was made the scapegoat for the horrific 9/11 terror attacks (which are still up for debate as an inside job) and since then has done what exactly? Featured in some episodes of South Park and become the new face of ‘Whack-a-Mole’? Scary stuff.

Bin Laden in Whack-A-Mole game - terrifying

Osama Bin Laden joins the list of whackees in the UN game of Whack-A-Mole

Even the Vatican is throwing its tuppence worth in, saying that it hopes Bin Laden will face the wrath of God for the deaths he has caused, just as prominent Vatican priests and cardinals will have to for all the children they’ve violated.

Alain Juppe, French Foreign Minister told Europe 1 Radio: “Al Qaeda’s structure remains in place, there is a number two and a number three. We have seen this when in Afghanistan a network has been dismantled and right away a replacement appears.”

There certainly is a number two Mr. Juppe and it’s a big, fat juicy steamer as it happens.

And nothing is steaming more so than the back story for this supposed coup. A grey haired old man with a liver complaint hiding out in a Pakistani ranch is confronted by American troops, refuses to surrender and is shot in the head. His body is then taken by said US Navy Seals and is buried at sea “in accordance with Islamic law and traditions”.

Isn’t that convenient. The guy is supposedly responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent civilians (unlike the tens of thousands of uninnocent civilians who died at the hands of UN troops in their search for Bin Laden) and is the leader of the most fearsome terrorist cell ever, and his Islamic laws and traditions are honoured?

Wouldn’t it be prudent of our leaders to provide proof of his death so that we truly can relax about evil doers in the world? Apparently not.

US Navy Seals cast Bin Laden to the fishes

Despite being the most wanted man on the planet, Osama Bin Laden's Islamic laws are honoured. How convenient.

All in all the ‘primary’ UN leaders seem to be building a case for future terror attacks which keeps us subservient peons in check and allows them to carry out heightened security measures in what appears to be a pincer movement against our civil liberties. Rather than alleviating our fears which the death of a supposed tyrant would do, America, Britain and France are instead ramping up the fear mongering with no apparent justification.

You can be sure we’ll be seeing bills pushed through insisting on the need for ID cards and more CCTV, and undoubetedly many a paranoid finger will point towards FEMA camps and martial law. As drastic as the latter two sound, they are sadly becoming a faint reality further down the social train line if things continue as they are.

America’s spiralling debts and crop failures (proving that GMO crops do not yield better harvests than organic crops) mean that civil unrest is just around the corner; panic buying of food and fuel could lead to riots and protests again as prices continue to escalate.
Wait, what am I talking about? Silly me, we just killed the evilest, horibblest, killeriest, terroriestic man alive (dead) – OSAMA BIN LADEN. And here’s the photo to prove it.

Despite being shot in the head Osama Bin Laden managed to keep his trademark smile

Osama Bin Laden is turned into an ash tray by US Navy Seals in Pakistan

And here’s Barack Obama telling us that he ordered it to happen, and that it did happen making him a doer, meaning we can all sleep peacefully at night safe in the knowledge that Super Barack Obama Bin Laden is here to protect us.
Good night World, go back to sleep.

 

Please vomit your thoughts on the death of Osama Bin Laden into our comment bucket.

Read about Bohemian Grove where the president goes to relax with other men; George W’s condoning of torture; the rise of FEMA camps; the JFK assassination and Ron Paul’s exploratory committee.

images: redactednews.blogspot.com; turbophoto.com; wtfsgoingon.typepad.com; facebook.com

20-foot owl, cheese crackers and virgins? Yay, for Bohemian Grove!

When you hear that there’s a place in California where they have homosexual orgies and sacrifice infants to a giant owl deity, it’s difficult not to jack in your job, bid adieu to the wife and kids and run screaming toward the lodge, shouting “yes, yes, YES!”

It was back down to Bohemian Grove on the History Channel last night as investigative journalist Brad Meltzer headed to the 2700-acre encampment near Monte Rio in California, in an attempt to verify some of the sinister rumours that have been eddying around the place for decades.

George W. Bush gaining incredible powers after a few weeks at Bohemian Grove

In Brad Meltzer’s Decoded, the television sleuth attempted to reveal amoral activities during the annual symposium of the sickeningly rich and absurdly influential from the worlds of politics, business and industry etc, who descend upon the massive wooded encampment in the middle of the countryside for wine, cheese, and to genuflect at the feet of a 20-foot high owl, whilst enjoying homosexual liaisons – apparently.

Attendees of the Bohemian Grove summit have been consistently accused of dark practises and bizarre devil-worshipping rituals by many enthusiastic conspiracy theorists, with this event being the event guaranteed to bring them limping and drooling like a bunch of evangelical zombies out of the woodwork of their trailer parks and into the real world. If there was a conspiracy theorists calendar (available at Walmart?), this would be the main annual event.

The problem with all the conspiracy theorists that are presented to us, is that they come across as slightly crazy, socially inept, fatuous evangelists that provide us with tenuous and often risible evidence to back up their inane theories – and oft delivered with the kind of unparalleled wet-lipped enthusiasm that would ruin their chances of success during an interview at McDonalds to insert ‘apple pies’ into little cardboard tubes.

Ritual fomenter and professional anti-New World Order crusader Alex Jones was the conspiracy theorist of choice on Decoded – a man so convinced that 9/11 was an inside job that he recommends keeping an arsenal of weapons cocked and loaded, should a crack team of marines, controlled by an evil group of the world governments’ elite arrive in a big black shiny helicopter, steal you and put you in secret prison. Compelling advice generally delivered via a handheld megaphone on street corners. Credible then.

Oh and did you know that George W Bush carries out rituals in a tomb as part of a satanic group called Skull and Bones? Yeah, a tomb!

If our rich folk want to get together and kick off their expensive but sensible leather slip-ons once in a while and a couple of virgins go missing as a result, what’s the big deal? They must have very stressful jobs. If someone sent me an invite that read “Bloody cabaret, owl deity (20 feet +), cheese and crackers,” I’d say yes in a heartbeat.

[adsense]It’s not that I think secret government plans to cull and control the world population are unfeasible, I don’t trust the world leaders and industry giants and their Bohemian Grove antics anymore than I trust the word of Alex Jones, but if conspiracy theorists really want to convince us – of anything – they need to work on their delivery. They need to separate the possible truths from the obvious bullshit. They need to deliver their messages calmly and without the wet-lipped hysteria and bullhorns. It’s just not professional and it’s not convincing. Less rhetoric and more compelling evidence please, because I want to believe; really I do.

Please share your thoughts on the rise of conspiracy theorism, Bohemian Grove, cheese crackers and virgins, or anything else related to this article by leaving a comment.

Read about Alex Jones’ Prisonplanet gagging by Google, Jesse Ventura uncovering feminizing uranium plot, George W. Bush condoning waterboard torture, FEMA camps and Josh Fox’s Gasland.

images: viva-chavez.com, thescope.ca

Gasland and Josh Fox lead to stand against Fracking

Gasland is a film by Josh Fox which highlights the dangers of fracking.  It aired in June 2010 on HBO and was an award winner at the Sundance Film Festival.  In his first person style documentary Fox explores the dangers of extracting natural gas and its impact on the environment.  His findings are both upsetting and disturbing, presented in the most human and sympathetic way possible – as a man caught directly in the firing line.

Natural gas was hailed by energy corporations as the cleanest natural resource, a transition between the heavily polluting fossil fuels and cleaner, renewable sources such as wind and solar, but Fox’s investigations, as well as evidence now cropping up in other areas, show that natural gas is anything but environmentally sound.

In 1995, Dick Cheney, a key figure during the Bush administration assumed the mantle of CEO and Chairman of Haliburton, a major player in the oilfield drilling business.  They are the second largest oilfield company in the world and are now heavily involved in drilling for natural gas.  The process requires a deadly cocktail of toxic chemicals mixed with sand and water which are pumped into underground shale beds at extremely high pressure in order to fracture the rock and release natural gas.

This practise is called hydraulic fracturing or Fracking.

The Haliburton Loophole

Fox visits rural backwater towns where residents complain of anomalies in their water supplies.  Coincidentally the problems began shortly after the gas drilling companies rolled into the area.

Anomalies include wells bubbling, gurgling and in some cases even exploding.  Even worse, their water supplies became so contaminated that they could light the water from their faucets.

When affected families asked the drilling company representatives to drink the water they had been assured was fine, the representatives refused, yet still maintained it was fine for the residents to drink.

Furthermore, the American government passed a law which gave power to the drilling corporations.  Now called the “Halliburton Loophole,” it exempts all companies drilling for natural gas from complying with the federal Safe Drinking Water Act, including those involved in drilling in the Marcellus Shale, upon which water supplies wind from West Virginia to New York.

Cheney’s influence apparently knows no bounds.

A Fracking Nightmare

As a result of the fracking procedure, water supplies have been rendered useless, dairy cows that have drunk contaminated water have been quarantined, their milk no longer fit for human consumption, and fish stocks have been severely depleted.  Local residents have fallen ill with vomiting, headaches, hair loss and many domestic animals have died.

Fears among New York residents are that it won’t be long before the impact will be felt in the city itself.

The western Pennsylvanian community of Licking has notched up a small victory against the corporate monsters. They wanted more say in happens within their borders so the 500 residents defied state laws by banning corporations from dumping fracking wastewater within their territory.

Licking is another town that sits on the Marcellus Shale, described as a virtual ocean of untapped natural gas and On October 12th, 2010, the Licking Township Board of Supervisors made a unanimous vote to ban corporations from dumping fracking wastewater within the township.

Mik Robertson, chairman of the Licking Township Supervisors said, “When it comes to land use issues and the preservation of important resources, the local community is best suited to set priorities as they feel impacts most acutely.”

Through this stance there is hope that more communities will stand up against the money spinning corporations and protect the environment and its dwellers.

Watch the trailer for Gasland here:

Other celebs on the environmental campaign include David Arquette.

Please share your thoughts on fracking, Gasland or Dick Cheney and Haliburton by leaving a comment.

images: 43ll.com, blogs.laweekly.com