Sexy news anchors only arouse contempt in men according to a new study

The tried-and-tested format of avuncular, silver-haired male and his attractive, young, female sidekick, have been delivering the news to us since time began.*

But in a new study, it’s been found that whilst men are more likely to want to watch a sexy nubile woman read the latest headlines, they are less likely to pay attention to what she’s actually saying. Oh, can women speak? The study showed that the men tested were so distracted by the glossy haired, beautified faces and penetrating eyes of the female news anchors that they could barely recall the headlines that had been purred from the plump and glossy lips of the high-cheek boned, sparkly-eyed vixens.

Keeping abreast of breaking news

In reports coming in from around the globe, alien terrorists, disguised as the cast of Friends have collectively infiltrated all major cities and are sucking our infants’ brains up through special infant nasal straws in order to make earthling gravy. More on that later. Homer Simpson has become the first animated President of the United States with Sarah Palin taking up the role of inanimate Vice-President. In other news, Ronald McDonald has won the Nobel Peace Prize for his positive contributions to humanity and the environment and I’m concealing a pair of tremulous breasts beneath this clingy silken blouse, and letting a small moan escape from my parted lips as I breathily inform you that share prices in… whatever… have plummeted. I’m not even fully clothed behind this desk. I’m wearing the tiniest cotton panties and sheer stockings that stretch the slender length of my entire legs that you’d love to have wrapped around your neck as you plant featherlight kisses along my clavicle and my back gently arcs and now here’s a scantily clad blonde harlot with the weather

The study, carried out by researchers at Indiana University, asked participants to watch two broadcasts: one delivered by a woman dressed in loosely fitting clothing and wearing no make up; and a second by a slutty woman with exposed cleavage.

But the study concluded that the men weren’t actually distracted by the thoughts of slowly unbuttoning the enchanting anchor’s blouse, easing it down across her shoulders, and kissing the pale smooth skin of her neck, as they unfasten her impeccably neat newsreadery hair, so that it cascades in glossy undulations across her naked newsreadery shoulders, no. Apparently not. They found the news less credible when delivered by a ‘sexy’ woman.

The report states that “In particular, sexual cues harden men’s perceptions of a woman’s ineptness to report on traditionally masculine story topics.” So that’s the reason. Masculine news stories read by a fleshy and inviting femme fatal leave men fighting with hardened perceptions.

[adsense]So the attractiveness of the female news anchor might be a useful gauge when deciding which news channel to favour. If the female news anchor is a libidinous, attention-grabbing temptress, panting serious news items from a moist crimson pout, whose countenance can barely register an expression due to its embellishments, then perhaps that news channel doesn’t care whether or not its viewers pay attention to the news or not. All they care about is that you watch, increase their viewer figures, augment their ratings and they rake in more bucks. You are watching a TV hooker hustling your eyes.

Alternatively, if it’s read by a matronly lesbian in a smelly cardigan with grey teeth, then chances are they have something to say and they want you to listen.

* (Prehysteric man, those unfortunate neanderthals that walked the desolate planet before civilisation dawned until television came along as a fitting replacement to the sun; soap operas manufactured friends for us, whose lives we could participate in without ever leaving our couches; and when people made their own entertainment and lived terribly unhappy solitary lives devoid of emotion.)

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