Those bloody Vikings have gone and done it this time. Much to the horror and fury of English expats living in Denmark, the Danish government have only gone and banned Marmite, or to be precise, vitamin-enriched foods, which equates to the same thing.
Marmite is a British institution. Yeah ok, so it tastes slightly ferrous, and looks like the kind of toxic loblolly you’d use to lubricate components in a car engine, but many Brits love it. As do their dogs. Marmite on toast is the English national dish. They even have Marmite-flavored potato chips, and chocolates made with Marmite. English hookers even smear marmite on condoms, oft just eating the condom like a tasty mid-fuck snack. Marmite is a spread with an edge. If you haven’t tried it, don’t expect jam. It’s no marmalade. And it’s certainly a far cry from Nutella. Thinking lemon curd? You’re miles out.
It’s an acquired taste for sure, and like anal sex, there are as many that hate it as love it; but banning it has left a lot of expats understandably shaken, and the Danish government might want to mobilise forces, deploy soldiers, and slip into combatant footwear for the outcry this yeasty spread-related embargo might cause.
Now I’m the first to admit that Marmite is probably not the healthiest food. I generally give all these ‘vitamin enriched’ foods a look of suspicion as I glide past with my shopping trolley, heading virtuously, if not a little sanctimoniously toward the organic vegetable aisle; but there are far more sinister things than Marmite clogging up our supermarket aisles, giving us the gift of cancer and taking our lives. Aspartame, table salt, sugar, animal fat, low quality animal protein, and processed meats such as bacon and salami that are marinated in sulphates. Oh, and what about cigarettes and alcohol? Mama Cass choked on a sandwich. Hitler was a vegetarian. Although he still ate bullets.
Airlines in Denmark have had to employ extra staff to deal with the droves of terrified Britons urgently packing up and leaving the country to return home, unable to imagine life beyond the sticky paste. Those who couldn’t find or afford immediate flights have taken to swimming back to the UK. Celebrities With Diseases field helicopter has reported that desperate Marmitees have been spotted crossing the North Sea and are being met as they stagger onto British sand (well, sharp pebbles) with foil blankies and intravenous drips, filled with black sticky stuff.
The Danes banning this Brit institution is tantamount to insipient rebellion. Marmed insurgents have smeared their naked bodies in the ‘tar in a jar’ and are running naked through the streets of Copenhagen this afternoon, (weather permitting) storming government buildings, in order to lobby officials and effect an immediate lift on the ban.
You smite the ‘Mite, you smite Britain.
It wouldn’t be the first time an innocent breakfast spread caused the collision of disparate nations, and the eventual outbreak of war. It’s a little known fact that the Second World War started over a jar of marmalade.
Other seemingly innocuous comestibles dissed by the Danes, include Ovaltine, Horlicks and Farleys Rusks. Is there no God?!
Marmite is no stranger to headline news. In 1994 it was accused, but then acquitted of smearing itself all over the naked torso of a 12-year-old child, whilst several middle-aged business men, sat around aghast, unable to assist the youngster, due to their trousers being around their ankles.
Anyway, I’m off to smear scoops of gloopy Marmite all over my body, like arse sex, and set fire to the Danish flag.
Fuck you, Denmark. Fuck you!
Leave your dirty, brown gloopy thoughts on the ‘tar in a jar’ Marmite in a tasty yet slightly salty, Danishly detested comment.
images: blogs.coventrytelegraph.net; Justhungry.com; xaraxone.com