In order to prove once again how utterly bland and superficial she is, Victoria ‘body and iq of a small child; breasts of a grapefruit tree’ Beckham, the blow-up doll voted most poppable, is already focussing more on regaining her two stone (17lbs of which is silicone) size zero child body than she is on feeding silicone milk to recently shat out pink-dressed mannequinette and potential infant fashionista, Harper (Ain’t those Beckhams’s quirky) Seven, just five weeks old. Whilst pregnant, the vacuous one doubled her weight, putting on a colossal 1stone 7lb and is currently living alone in a 7-bedroom mansion in Malibu that she is renting from Steven Spielberg for the paltry sum of $150k per month (because she’s worth it), whilst she focuses on regaining the figure of a withered stick sporting two massive bloated blouse berries. Beckham is wasting away to subnormal by following a depressingly restrictive diet called the ‘five-hands diet’. Allowing the victim just five handfuls of food per day, the diet is a form of torture. But when the most important thing in your life is looking like a whittled stick with the expression of a shocked blow-up sex doll in time for New York Fashion Week, I suppose living under a regime akin to starvation, is of no real importance.
Victoria Beckhamis famous for being married to a thick footballer (spot the tautology); being a dreadful singer; having a face like a fairly pretty pig going downhill, upside down on a white knuckle rollercoaster ride; for having tits like a pair of fermenting grapefruits, and for being slightly thinner than an emaciated twig. Although, according to reliable internet source of misinformation, Wickipedia, Victoria Beckham is a “singer, songwriter, dancer, model, actress, fashion designer and business woman.” She must have written that herself, because no one’s going to believe any of that. Her fans are illiterate anyway and the rest of us think she’s double rubbish. The phenomenal success of the Spice Girls demonstrates only how corrupt the music industry can be. They were a project to exploit the stupidity of a general public feeble in the presence of a catchy melody, regardless of its quality. Even autotune couldn’t rescue Beckham’s feeble Essex-girl attempt at vocals. The Spice Girls can’t call themselves musicians. That puts them in the same category as the Rolling Stones, Radiohead, Led Zeppelin, Nirvana and even Madonna. She simply can’t be in the same category.
The success balding Victoria Beckham achieved with her solo musical project speaks volumes for how good a songwriter she is. Actress? Apparently she had a cameo role in US soap Ugly Betty, once. So if that makes her an actress, I guess I can put that I am a gladiator on my resume, based on the fact that I once had an argument with my mom. Sadly, she’s considered an icon to young girls stupid enough to believe that she had anything to do with her inexplicable success or who idolise her because she has a large selection of stripper shoes, expensive bags (some ‘designed’ by her and hewn from the skin of exotic animals more intelligent than she is) and the interminable expression of a raped orthopaedic moccasion.
According to ‘Mr. E. Source’ she has been snacking on miniscule portions of smoked salmon and tuna sushi in order to be in great shape for the forthcoming NY event. Mr Source told lame celebrity handbag and shoe magazine, Grazia “Five days after giving birth, she started eating five high-protein meals a day accompanied by green vegetables, drinking gallons of water, and only snacking on goji berries and nuts.” She has also been doing some gentle exercise. Lifting an eyebrow, unpursing her lips – that kind of thing and is hoping to gradually build up to a bilious smile.
The fact that a talentless dullard such as Victoria Beckham– a girl that should by rights be working as a pedicurist in a cheap mid-market beauticians on a bland high-street in Essex, has managed to redefine herself as some kind of generic underweight icon for fashion obsessed underthinkers and who can afford a life of such dramatic excess is startling, if not a little frightening. She must be exceptionally insecure knowing that she deserves nothing of what she has ‘attained’. If you wish to emulate Victoria Beckham’s diet. All you have to do is eat five microscopically small high-protein meals a day and pray for a swift end. If you want to further emulate the icon, you could strap two hefty mahogany globes to your collarbone, have a personality colonic and so much botox that absolutely no trace of human emotion is discernible on your big plastic head. There are two outstanding things about Victoria Beckham and they are attached to her collar bones. And they’re both fake. What a great role model for young girls.
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