Victoria Beckham doesn't raise any eyebrows at the Royal Wedding

Yesterday, I had a bit of a chuckle and rant at the ludicrousness of the amount of inordinate speculation and column inches, nay miles, the media had expended on what Kate Middleton might or might not wear to the blah de blah de blah.

As if lampooning themselves, some of the latest news last night covered what some of their wedding guests might be wearing. Seriously, anyone who seriously gives a fuck, should seriously consider terminating their existence. You can come back. Someone, somewhere will create a genetically modified version of you. You’ll have a purpose other than giving a shit about what someone you have never met before might wear to an event you are not invited to, to see someone else you have never met before get married to another person you’ve never met before.

Do you feel stupid now or is that just a default setting?

Victoria Beckham did not design the Kate Middleton's royal wedding dress.

That face that sunk a thousand (silicon) chips, Victoria Beckham is her usual smiley self

And who is the main focus on what might they wear to the Royal Wedding? An irritating boney media whore, famous for being ludicrously talentless and looking like a bobbly stick with the face of a blow-up doll.  Yes folks, it’s Victoria Beckham, the one from the Spice Girls that couldn’t sing or dance (Ok, that didn’t help. How about the one with the  frozen expression like a pair of lollypop sticks set in concrete) and ‘what married a famous footballer’.

I think she will wear a dress with a handbag on her spindly wrist, and shoes with heels so high, she looks like she’s running down a very steep ramp having shat herself in tight shorts.

It makes you want to speculate on what other really important people might wear to an event they weren’t invited to, doesn’t it? I think Gaga would be unable to resist courting controversy and creating hype around herself by wearing something ridiculous. Perhaps she’d turn up draped in semen. Not one of her outrageous outfits, she just woke up late.

How about Jesus! What would he wear?! I’m thinking a contemporary take on the open-toed sandal with a Cuban heel.

Isn’t this so much fun?

What would I wear if I were invited to the ‘Redding’? I’d probably wear combats, an artillery belt with matching bandolier instead of a really big bag (to make my repugnantly fat undulating arse look smaller) woven from rarest moth skin with a piglet handle (the tiny trotter acts like a kind of clasp, you see) I’d carry a tripod-mounted M240 machine gun, and enough ammunition to take out half the guests. Not the ones that are entitled to be there, just the lame celebrities. You know, get the Beckhams along, keep the proles happy.

My outfit for the big day

My wedding outfit designed by Alexander McQueen with diamond, teardrop earrings designed by Robinson Pelham and sparkly beading on the NATO inspired Sarah Burton bullet belt.

It’s not that I hate Victoria Beckham. She’s got an attractive enough head.  But, unfortunately, her body is constructed from pipe cleaners and a pair of concrete-filled balloons. Apparently, she’s so thin that Beckham, David has to cover one eye to bring her into focus. Rumour has it she doesn’t even have a vagina.

I don’t hate Veckham the person, but I do despise her celebrity status despite having no talent. It just seems so wrong.
So, I wonder what the macrocephalic Twiglet did wear to the wedding?* And if anyone really is bland enough to care?

Victoria Becham has gone fake tan crazy

Victoria Beckham and friends emerge from the tanning salon in preparation for the royal wedding

* a navy medical gown apparently

Leave a comment with your spin on the nonsense surrounding what people might or might not be wearing to an event you weren’t invited to for people you’ve never met.

Read about the media assault using Royal Wedding bullets; when the hype began; pressure on for a royal baby; things get silly with X Factor wedding production and the night before the big event.

images: ookaboo.com; timesonline.typepad.com; dailymail.co.uk