Women across the States can sleep well again tonight after the breaking news that Vera Bradley launched a new bag collection for fall that will now be available at 35 Dillards outlets nationwide.
Speaking about the partnership, a spokesperson stated: “Their core values are really in line with our core values, along with the brand positioning, and we’re excited that we are starting to be sold in Dillards Stores.”
What language is that? Core values? Brand positioning? Business speak is bleak and terrifying.
The exciting partnership was announced… oh I give in. I really don’t care. I’m a woman and I couldn’t give a toss whether some more new silly bags have been launched for silly vain women. That’s not news. War is news. The impending oil crisis is news. Climate change is news. I call it a brainwashing of the female population. Bags and shoes for women have become the equivalent of a Porsche key fob for men. A stupid status symbol that is only recognised as cool by other stupid and materialistic people who are impressed by such foolishness. Designer crud. If you spend more than 200 bucks on a bag, then you are being swindled. Unless it’s made from animal pelt, and then you should be brutally excoriated. Let the punishment fit the crime, I say.
Big bags will apparently make our asses look smaller, so we’re told. Men across America must be confused by this, if not frightened. They meet a girl for a drink. She turns up carrying a giant bag, takes it off her shoulder and suddenly her ass expands exponentially. Very disconcerting.
One website has described Vera Bradley bags as ‘hypnotic’. I’m not sure a bag knows how to be hypnotic unless it’s made from snake skin and the reptile is still alive, in which case the owner should be brutally excoriated, and then have a purse, car keys, some scruffy tampons, a bag of make-up, some shoddy women’s magazines, a phone charger and a pair of yeasty tights shoved up their arse. Let the punishment fit the crime, I say.
Zappos.com make Vera Bradley bags sound very exciting and newsworthy indeed:
“Minimalists looking for a bit of fun might lean toward a functional tote covered in “Night and Day” black and white fabric, or a fresh take on one of summer’s hottest combos: gray with chartreuse in lieu of yellow. Intrigued? The print is “Baroque” and it has the potential to be a year-round favorite.”
Who could not be intrigued? Get me to Dillards now! And don’t spare the horses.
Female celebrities of course are the worst. In an article in 2007 The Daily Mail reported that Victoria Beckham had been spotted with a minimum of £23,000 worth of designer handbags within a six-month period, and apparently owns 100 Hermes Birkin bags – all identical style but in different colors. I’m not sure whether that’s grotesque or just pathetic. Do you think they make her feel better about being so crap?
Back on planet earth there is still an oil crisis. Cancer’s not going anywhere. People are dying. I wonder if Vera Bradley do a bag for that occasion? Put bags in perspective. Snap out of it women while the world is still spinning.
If you think women’s bags are stupid, let us know by putting a comment in our hypnotic comment box with three inner pockets and a detachable life, below:
Images: retiredverabradley.com, handbagclique.com, magnoliagarden.com, digital-photo.com.au, lyfeandlyrics.wordpress.com