Sick Celebrities


The May 21st Rapture: Apocalypse will hopefully restore sanity


With only two shopping days left until the Holy Rapture on May 21st it seems that insanity is seeping into every walk of life as we draw ever closer to the end of the world. Yes the apocalypse is a time of celebration for some and a point of utter catastrophe to be feared by others, but whichever way you look at it there’s going to be an awful lot of disappointed Christian types come May 22nd.

It seems that these days anyone with a flip chart and the balls to stand in front of a crowd and spew their ‘end of the world/we’re controlled by alien lizards’ rhetoric will become a hero and prophet of great wizdom, just as anyone who can manipulate a few numbers and put them in an interesting enough pattern is apparently the new messiah.

Jesus is coming back on May 21st. Hurrah for Jesus, he's gonna save us all. What a responsibility.

So how did we arrive at the point of giving such reverence to banality and asininity?

Perhaps it’s those lower education standards. I taught in a high school for a number of years and I can tell you for a fact that exam results were manipulated by the board to make the school seem better than it was, while the standard of education and teaching was well below my schooling days and deteriorating. This is a common trend which is slowly widening the gulf between the haves and the have-nots and giving a false sense of quality at the same time. Yeah, the dumb kids all passed – hurrah! There’s no dumb kids any more. What they don’t tell you is that you only need 30% to scrape a pass.

The dunce is a thing of the past as schools have made us all dunces now.

Maybe it’s the fact that most people’s lives are so dull that they need something as extravagant as an apocalypse to brighten their day up.

Perhaps it’s also down to inferiority complexes; those who believe in the Rapture or impending armageddon, and have made sure they’re right with their dear and fluffy lord
hold the high ground in this spiritual battle – they think. It’s the same as conspiracy theorists who churn out unfounded conspiracy after unfounded conspiracy from the sanctity of their dungeon in their parents’ home; having been victimised or ridiculed once too often in life they use this ‘insider’ knowledge to appear smarter, sharper and more important than the rest of us somnambulent rabble.

And far too often they’re left wanting; their conspiracies never actually coming to pass, forcing them into a game of ‘musical conspiracy theory’ as they hop from one outlandish idea to another, calling all non-believers idiots or thick headed ‘sheeple’, ignoring the fact that they make themselves look like complete sheep by blindly following the crackpot at the heart of the story.

And at the heart of the story there is always someone smart enough to identify a market, someone who is appealing enough to seem genuine but will steal the money from their lint-worn pockets while they watch with mouths agape and sparkly eyes wide.

Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones: The face that launched a thousand bullshits.

Contemporary religious leaders, conspiracy touts and their ilk are the modern day evangelist faith healers and their audiences are more gullible and needy than ever.

So I’m a disbeliever then. Okay, I can live with that and whatever pompous ridicule may come from Heaven after those holier-than-thous have upped skin and flown on angel wings to the land of comfy shoes, pleasant cardigans and elevator music, but judging by Google’s latest search trends it seems I’m not alone.

We have the masses searching for our dear friend Harold Camping, proponent of the May 21st Rapture-cum-Apocalypse and taker of pensioners savings. They’re probably watching on with a little intrigue and a large dollop of amusement as they point at the crazy old religious man who’s not even wearing a tin-foil hat or drinking Kool-Aid.

Others are in search of those trusty Powerball numbers, perhaps hopeful of one last, big lottery win before the lord almighty swoops down like a haughty kestrel and viciously flays them with his godly talons leaving them as strands of light which ascend the etehric stairway to cardigan land.

Who wants to be a millionaire? The impending apocalypse hasn't deterred lottery gamblers.

Elsewhere Coco Chanel and Ralph Lauren are a hot search commodity, justifying the old addage, “if you’ve gotta go, go in style.”

Or at least ‘go in expensive, overpriced, animal tested shite which does nothing for your sex life but does swell the coffers of a designer who probably had nothing to do with the scent you’re dousing your fetid, snivelling, icon-worshipping human vessel in.’

And then there’s the false icons of Pop Idol or whatever ‘reality-make-you-a-star’ show is running at the moment, with the world eagerly waiting to see karaoke versions of Alanis Morrissette’s You Oughta Know by some nobody from a nowhere town who thinks they have talent. Entertainment comes at a premium these days it seems.

Or maybe they’re just searching for that stuff because they don’t believe in the Rapture either.

If the Rapture does take place (and I’m humouring folks here) then come May 21st I’ll be waving goodbye to all those ‘good souls’ who depart for an eternity of boredom in the sterile halls of paradise, while looking foward to a few months of utter debauchery before the almighty crushes the disgusting planet Earth with his big holy hands and wipes this smear off the universe, rather like a cleaning lady wiping up the remnants of Pot Noodle after some messy clown in the office kitchen managed to aim the soy sauce sachet into that massive opening about as unsuccessfully as he does with his penis every time he urinates anywhere but inside the toilet bowl.

Thank god for god.

The odd apocalypse now and then might be good for the planet, a bit like a storm which clears that unbearable humidity in the summer months and makes the air breathable and the climate pleasant again.

Goodbye humanity, hello sanity.

Share your views on the current trend towards conspiracies and paranoia by leaving a comment. We won’t stalk you over it.

Read about Android 3.1 causing the end of society; the chance of zombies becoming a reality; Jesse Ventura’s book promotion; the Chupacabra secret and our leaders bum each other at Bohemian Grove.


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