Katie Price has returned from her trip to the USA with a big screen wishlist and a collection of catalogues for homes on Mullholland Drive.
But let’s back up here. Why on earth is Katie (AKA Jordan) going to so much trouble to settle down in the US? It seems she’s not only spent time schmoozing at Elton John’s swanky party while there, but she’s been in contact with some big-bods at Paramount to discuss turning all of her autobiographies into a film.
It amazes me how many books can be written about nothing.
Now, you may or may not be familiar with Jordan; if you haven’t been living up a mountain on Mars for the past 15 years or so it’s been fairly hard to avoid her, such is the power of the witless cavity cranium’s self promotion.
The idea of a Jordan movie frankly leaves me bewildered as she’s about as engaging as a blow up doll, and on reflection I’d rather watch a film documenting the life of a vacuum cleaner.
May 15th, 2008: “The dust ball in the corner was taunting me again today and try as I might I just can’t reach it; my nozzle is just too broad.”
May 22nd, 2008: “HAHA! Finally showed that grimy little ball of desiccated skin who’s boss. That new bag gave me a little extra suck and up it came.”
Of course we all know Katie Price has plenty of suck as was clearly evidenced in a series of porn films she featured in back in the early days, but that doesn’t really bother me. What does is the idea that Paramount might somehow glorify the life of someone who has nothing to offer the world except perhaps an abject lesson in how not to be.
I dread to think how the film might pan out; undoubtedly there’ll be the hilarious ‘what size shall I make my space hoppers this week’ scene; the ‘whose baby is this?’ scene and perhaps if we’re lucky the ‘inside the mind of Jordan’ scene which would look something like a hybrid of Barbie and 2001: A Space Odyssey.
She has said that if the film goes ahead she would like Scarlett Johansson to play her. By the time I eventually got back to my chair having circumnavigated the floor, the back of a Paramedic van and the A&E ward of the local hospital, I’d just about managed to compose myself again.
And they say laughter is a cure for everything.
Please share your thoughts on the idea of a Jordan film by leaving a comment.
images: beehivecity.com, crusader.blog.co.uk