Sick Celebrities


Sandra Bullock has adopted a baby


Ambassador for unremitting blandness Sandra Bullock has been photographed clutching this season’s ultimate in airport fashion accessory chic – a black baby. It seems that any celebrity worth her weight in liposuction is being snapped in an airport toting a black kid like it’s part of her entourage of designer luggage. Girl-next-door personified Bullock continues a weird trend started most famously by the likes of Madonna and the squid lipped bird married to Brad Pitt, that dictates that Hollywood’s elite should not even consider leaving the house without wearing a baby plucked from a third-world country or somewhere. Bullock whose most famous roles include a very credible butch gun totin’ undercover cop who has to glam up in order to enter a beauty contest to investigate the murder of a beauty queen (excuse the vague synsopsis – I’ve never actually watched it). The film also features a love interest in the form of her partner on the force – which is perfect for cineastes who like their movies to have a unique and unexpected twist. She was also the protagonist in Speed – a film about a fast coach. Anyway, Bullock’s back catalog of generic movies aside, the fashionable black kid baby can be worn on either the left or the right side of the body; draped or cradled. Bullock adopted the black baby who she named Louis after Louis Armstrong (because he is black) after she broke with husband Jesse James. James quickly moved on to the beautiful Kat Van Dee– the picture encrusted tattoo artist. James described his life with Bullock as dull and said that she was more interested in watching boring DVDs than having sex or doing anything else.

Sandra and baby Bullock. He’s not her real baby. She bought him.

Adopting a child from a third world country is the ultimate ‘look how charitable I am’ statement. Public charitable gestures have always been considered utterly distasteful. If the likes of Madonna, Jolie and Bullock really wanted to make a difference and really cared about black kids, perhaps they could fund an orphanage that helped multiple kids, rather than just forcing one into a lifetime’s scrutiny beneath the public eye and dressing them in Paul Smith romper suits that co-ordinate with their own clothes.   Any child snatched from its origins will risk suffering cultural issues and paradise complexes. A kid gallivanting around Hollywood in a black Rolls Royce like Justin Bieber and wearing Chanel tracksuits might feel a certain amount of guilt when it realises the cost of its designer socks could feed its real family for a week. Or maybe it won’t feel that at all. I don’t know which is worse.

Sandra Bullock wears the latest in New Orleans chic – a black infant.

There doesn’t seem to be a trend for black actors to adopt white children but then white children clearly aren’t so fashionable. Perhaps Bullock, Jolie and Madonna watched too much ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ when they were children. It would also explain a lot about their acting.   What are you talking about Bullock?! Don’t forget if you are on your hols in Malawi to pick up your black baby souvenir. Other white celebrities who have adopted black children include Steven Spielberg, Tom and Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.

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