With Friday just hours away, a source at Buckingham Palace (lovingly referred to by the Brits as ‘Balace’) has revealed that a woman called Kate Middleton (who the press have decided isn’t as beautiful as Princess Diana, even though she clearly is) is to marry the non-ginger Prince – just one day from now!!!
Apparently the heir and his soon-to-be Royal martyr (met while living) have been having a woo with each other for several weeks.
A spokesphantom for the Royal Family told us that the media had been informed months ago of the imminent ceremony, but because it was such a formal and regal occasion, didn’t want to ruin it for the young royals by turning it into an overhyped travesty, filling endless pages in newspapers and with unremitting television coverage full of pathetic observation, tedious commentary and prosaic conjecture.
Following the royal wed, the mercurial vagaries of the press have generally been risible and visible from space. One minute the People’s Princess, the next minute, the bulimic cellulite-encrusted buffalo. Then she’s dead. The papers were flying off the shelves. No wonder the Queen gets a bit shirty.
In an interview Kate Middleton reportedly didn’t extrapolate that she was looking forward to being crucified by the media to the point that it actually leads to her untimely death.
The gutter press haven’t had this much fun since Diana’s untimely death. (Apparently, she wasn’t due to die until 4pm that afternoon.)
There are a few celebrities whose demise would be an ‘about-timely death’. I wouldn’t want to mention names because that might be considered sick and wrong, but hasn’t Charlie Sheen been making a ass of himself of late?
A lot of column inches and webspace have been dedicated to what dress Kate Middleton might wear. Oh the excitement! Can you imagine?! One risible source allowed us to pick one of their ‘fantasy gowns’ and share our favorites with our friends. Yes, not only do they want to make idiots of us, but they want us to take our friends down when we go.
Fantasy gowns? That makes fantasy football look almost sane and interesting. Even UK periodical The Guardian have had us voting on what color the damn frock will be. Readers have decided on a bias-cut Libélula design dress with a veil!!
Speculation has clearly gone out of control. I think she might wear a turquoise tracksuit to protect herself from the family of reptiles David Icke said she’s marrying into. Actually, I reckon she’ll wear something unique, like a big white resplendent twat of a dress. After all, it is OUR big day.
Expectant sources are expecting to see a lot of sparkly beading.
“We’re expecting to see a lot of sparkly beading,” said sources, expectantly.
More Royal news just breaking – the royal couple have chosen ‘popular hymns’ to be sung during the ceremony. Sit down those of you with a weak disposition.
Spare us a thought on the build up and media hype surrounding the royal wedding by leaving a comment.
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