Royal Couple wedding SHOCKER: secret royal wedding stuns public

In a shocking revelation, officials at Buckingham Phallus have issued a statement confirming that Kate Middleton (Kiddleton) and Prince William (Pilliam) have been married in a secret ceremony that took place in London, capital of The England, over the past weekend.

The non-ginger Prince and his new bride took advantage of the public holiday on Friday, and pledged their love for one another at an intimate ceremony attended only by the Queen and a couple of her mates, every TV channel in the world (except for Animal Planet and a couple of the more offensive ‘small child public humiliation porn sites’), and several billion people, some of which didn’t even know the British Empire had a queen.

The royal wedding was conducted in secret in front of just a handful of people

Kate Middleton and Prince WIlliam enjoyed a quiet wedding with just a few guests

The royal couple wanted to keep the ceremony simple and unspoiled with 24/7 news coverage for six months preceding and following the occasion, in order to avoid the kind of spastic mentality and media saturation that previous royal lives have attracted and ultimately been ruined by, sometimes even leading to their death.

Now this kind of noble behaviour will never catch on. Take that avatar of bad taste and bloat-breasted patron of stupid girls, living drag queen Katie Price, whose hairy clam to fame is having disproportionate artificial tits, (whose nipples alone are visible from Jupiter, even with your eyes closed, whilst facing in the opposite direction). Now this injection mould plastic, nylon haired marionette knows how to throw a good media wedding. Dress by Barbie, catering by Lidl, make up by Dulux, IQ by proxy, attractive to no one. Exaggeration is everything, when it comes to being a real princess. Even her personality is photoshopped but then even the best software is glitchy.

Katie Price aka Jordan in her royal wedding outfit

Katie Price aka Jordan looks healthier and 'realer' than ever in her Royal Wedding outfit

In fact there are so many foul and headline hungry media whores around us these days that you sometimes forget some people are actually famous because they are good at something. Having big plazzy tits doesn’t really make you talented. An object of ridicule, yes. An object of desire, no.

Victoria Beckham's outfit really turned some heads

Victoria Beckham looked stunning but practical at the Royal Wedding

I wonder what that other rebarbative paragon of silicone, nugatory Victoria Beckham would have worn if she hadn’t attended the royal wed? Somehow her presence alone single-handedly turned what should be a majestic occasion of great national, and international pride, into an insipid media travesty. But didn’t she look beau… no, she looked like a road sign with a pair of step ladders stuffed up her twat. The shoes were a bad idea. The only excuse for walking like that is scorched labia.

The British Empire used to be synonymous with class, wicked humour and the prestigious royal family.  The only things being exported from the silly little island these days seems to be self-aggrandized talent vacuums that are dwarfed by their amplified body parts.

Relieve yourself of your thoughts on the secret royal wedding by emptying your mind bladder into our comment latrine.

Read about the blanket bombing of choice by Royal Wedding media coverage; the X Factor wedding production; SHOCK wedding announcement; and how the Americans tried to outdo the wedding in the TV ratings with the space shuttle launch and Osama Bin Laden’s fake death.

images: shanland.org; pentagontextiles.com; couriermail.com.au;