It’s that time of year again when it’s deemed acceptable to rate famous rear ends in what can only be described as a degrading show of utter contempt for human life. “Harsh,” you say; tell that to the thousands of people dying for their freedom all around the world as you read this.
But hey, let’s not focus on the negatives and instead enjoy a lovely rump. There’s nothing like a nice arse to take your mind of all those horrible things those nasty media types keep bombarding us with eh?
Before we get to the bottom of this whole mess, I want to explain that I like a nice arse as much as the next person; I’m human and therefore prone to admiring at them from time to time but this is something I do quietly and discreetly and any reviewing is done in my head.
Perhaps that makes me as bad as the judges of Rear of the Year who I assume are male seeing as all the rears belong to females, and let’s face it, only men would hold a contest to decide who has the best backside.
Anyway, this year’s lucky girls include Pippa Middleton, the much talked about sister of Princess of Wales Kate Middleton who apparently got married in a fairly secret ceremony somewhere in London recently. During the Royal Wedding the media took great delight in focusing their attention on the attractive regal in-law’s bottom as she adjusted the train on her sister’s dress and since then – due to a media blackout on the royal couple – Pippa has become the next best thing to fill a few tabloid pages.
There has been much speculation over her love life with some saying that she’ll end up with Harry Hewitt, er… I mean Regina, despite the fact she’s already in a relationship with some rich toff.
In what appears to be a very British competition, her biggest rival is the ageing Carol Vorderman, former Countdown co-host popularly mistaken as a maths genius when her studies were actually in engineering. Vorderman became a sex symbol in the 1990‘s because geeks and pensioners need wank fodder too.
After that she featured in weight loss ads, sexing her up even more, as well as slots on comedy shows and basically anything that would sell her sexy-but-intellectual package.
Having disappeared for the past few years it seems she’s back in the picture again and her arse has just won the coveted Rear of the Year award.
It appears that over the years she has gathered a devoted following of internerds who have in turn flooded the interweb with pages dedicated to her backside. Clearly Pippa Middleton is at least two decades behind in building a following but the UK news and media is doing its level best to help her get on level terms.
While both women are attractive in their own rights (Vorderman being a late blossomer), neither are gob-smackingly, devastatingly gorgeous. Middleton is actually quite plain and the veteran Vorderman looks for all the world like a serial surgery goer. I could be wrong, but early pictures compared to more recent shots show a vastly different face although maybe good make-up artists play their part too.
Sadly, Rear of the Year is a poor indictment of our times and the fact that celebrity arse is making the headlines instead of rebels fighting for their lives against oppressive regimes, or GM food being tantamount to poison is really a depressing indication of the true story about the media. The human race is on the steepest slope of a rapid decline.
Images: forum.breakbeat.co.uk, mirror.co.uk, comedy.co.uk, cultureandlife.co.uk, lifestyle.aol.co.uk