Noel Gallagher's glossophobia – if only

NOEL GALLAGHER, fresh from a lawsuit filed by his very intelligent and talented brother Liam, is treading carefully through interviews when the prickly question is raised about his relationship with the crappy crooner from his for

mer band Oasis.

You may recall them, a small English band who thought they were bigger than The Beatles, more avant garde than early Roxy Music and more rock ‘n’ roll than Led Zeppelin. They failed of course as once ashore on US soil the unforgiving American audience saw to it that they beat a hasty retreat back to Blighty after only three shows with a bill for a whole host of empty arenas and more unsold tickets than pointless statements made by the Gallagher brothers between them.

The brothers grim, er, Gallagher. Pre-handbags at dawn.

After the split of the band and family in 2009, Noel is of course now threatening to tour as a solo act as which he will perform his very special brand of nursery rhymes, while Liam is doing something radically undifferent to The Beatles with his new band Beady Eye. This means we get twice as much Gallagher ego than one world can tolerate, and mindless fans struggling to decide which act to waste their hard disk space on.

Certainly the uglier of the two (which is no mean feat in itself), having a face that looks like it was catapulted onto his wet, bulbous head from too far away, slightly missing the target and correct orientation, causing it to slip towards his left shoulder before sticking loosely in place, big brother Noel is bullish.

Liam and Noel Gallagher are still fighting and still extremely ugly. And talentless. And unintelligent.

Noel’s current stance on speaking about his brother has developed after he told the press that Oasis pulled out of V Festival in 2009 because Liam had a hangover, claims refuted by the ‘singer’ who stated he had a doctor’s note proving he had laryngitis.

He also had a note from his mum to say he couldn’t do PE that day because his shorts were in the wash.

Talking to NME.com about his sibling straight jacket, the sat-too-near-a-candle, plastic faced, Parker-from-Thunderbirds-lookalike said, “Well I can’t even mention Liam’s name because I’ll get sued. If he hears your voice mentioning his name he’ll sue you. He’ll sue you behind this camera, he’ll sue the viewers of NME.COM for even thinking, even thinking about him. So bearing that in mind I’d like to say ‘no comment’.”

Noel Gallagher seen driving to court with his missus. F-A-B.

Being the bright spark that he is, Noel and his black American Express card failed to notice that he did mention Liam’s name which means we can expect a fresh lawsuit from the I’m-only-tough-when-I’ve-got-my-bodyguards-around-me Liam Gallagher any day soon. Hopefully it’ll be a gagging order this time. A full spectrum gagging order.

Share your thoughts on the brothers Gallagher by leaving a comment, but be careful – Liam might sue you.

Read about Noel flogging a dead horse by touring with Oasis songs, Paul McCartney’s ballet slated by the press, John Lennon’s 70th birthday celebration, George Harrison’s battle with cancer and Mick Jagger is old and cool.

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