Sick Celebrities


Noel Gallagher to tour with Oasis songs – proof there is no god


Neanderthal pop rocker Noel Gallagher has today announced that he will be touring later in the year and that he will be playing some Oasis numbers along with new solo material.

He further announced that he will be shitting two new solo albums out for us to endure. One of which will be called Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds. Nice title. I love it. Wait until Bill Oddie hears about this. The other has yet to be unnamed. Who else can hardly wait?

“Euurgh gruuuuef joooob fuck it bleaaargh,” said the esteemed musician when asked about the Oasis numbers he will play. Apparently as the total duration of Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds is only 46 minutes long he needs to play the Oasis tracks to fill a complete set.

Noel Gallagher: looks like a twat, sounds like a twat, behaves like a twat. Chances are he's a twat.

“They’re my songs and I wrote them all by myself [bless] and I’m proud of them, and I’m proud of what they mean to other people and I’m proud of where they sit with what I’ve done now. You’ve really got to be on stage and see what the reaction is of crowds when you play Don’t Look Back in Anger,” oinked Gallagher, according to an experienced translator who specializes in Northern English.

“It would be like going to see Paul McCartney and him only playing Wings stuff wouldn’t it? Even though that would be great, and not that I’m comparing myself to Paul McCartney or The Beatles.” No, please don’t. Not again. Errm, didn’t he once say that he was a better songwriter than Paul McCartney? Yeah, and I’m hotter than Angelina Jolie.

Noel was always considered the ‘intellectual’ of the two brothers, due to the fact he could grunt fluently compared to sibling Liam’s monosyllabic vowely vomit. Speaking together they sounded like a bunch of rowdy football supporters after their 10th can of Tennants Super going home on a night bus and sitting in their own piss.

On the subject of fronting his new band, Gallagher told our translator: “I never really see myself as being a frontman, I can see it being a major pain in the arse for me. Even a symbolic thing like standing in the middle of the stage, although I’ve done it before I’ve always, say, done it for charity, always in my head I’m like, ‘I’m doing somebody a favour so f**k em.’ Now for the first time I’ve got to stand in the middle of the stage and that’s going to be weird.” Eloquent.

Noel has been inactive since the tragic break up of Oasis that left a lot of braying Neanderthals from Northern English towns without role models. The split happened in 2009 just before Oasis were about to go on stage in Paris. After an argument Liam apparently stormed out of the dressing room and was so livid that he threw a plum.

It was a plum just like this that we have to thank for the break up of British band Oasis.

But whilst Noel has been dormant, Liam and some other gits formed Beady Eye, a band that sound more like a bad version of The Beatles than a bad version of The Beatles could ever hope to. And I mean really bad. When I heard that Liam had formed a new band, I feared that it might be good. I needn’t have worried my pretty ugly little head about that.

You can listen to a track from Beady Eye here but don’t come running to me when you’ve shoved scissor blades in your ears and when you realise you won’t ever, ever, ever get those 4 minutes back.

I’m the last of a dying breed sings Liam with a voice that sounds like it’s coming from the arse of an earwig farting down a paper drinking straw buried deep within the singer’s nasal passages. I live in hope. Boy do I live in hope.

If you are not on your way to hospital to get your scissor wounds attended to and have anything to say about either Gallagher, stick it in the comment box below:


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