Sick Celebrities


Miss Universe 2011 – Angola wins silliest female contest.


There was a time when Miss Universe and other such beauty pageants were considered outrageously sexist and tediously outdated. But since the music industry’s female stars started mimicking the stars of the soft porn industry, it seems that these days it’s just a bit of inoffensive entertainment where we get to ogle young totty parading itself in various get-ups whilst pretending, some of us at least, that we’re remotely interested in the fact that the paraded meat is training to be an entertainment lawyer or pig farmer’s hand or has a personality, or is able to express an opinion using a combination of comprehensible words.

I personally like to watch a bunch of polished bints in drag parading their bodies about like explicit cuts of cheap meat in a butcher’s window. From the ages of 11 and 8 respectively, my brother and I found great satisfaction in ripping to pissy shreds the dim and grinning, over blow-dried, double primped, make-up plastered ghouls as they mocked the very essence of femininity in a range of tasteless apparel. All sporting the same slightly deranged false grin, their faces waxy and melting under the studio lighting, eye lashes so coated in mascara you could hang pictures off them.

Now a bunch of what we like to think are mere half-witted tarts are more than likely girls from all manner of professions or social standing. But somethings don’t change; they still dress up in gaudy frocks with lurid make up and way too much of it  and teeter around on silly shoes, wearing the kind of expressions you’d expect to find on an inflatable sex doll. And I’m not talking about its face. (How did Kate Perry get so famous? Does anyone know?)

Miss Universe 2011 - Leila Lopes from Angola.

Anyhoo, it was one Leila Lupes a business student from Angola that was crowned most lurid make-up wearer not only in the entire world, but the entire frikkin’ universe. She apparently dazzled the judges with a unique combination of beauty and brains – a rare combo indeed. Ability to apply make-up and form a coherent sentence is another unusual amalgamation of characteristics.

Whilst we are not supposed to judge women on their physical appearance, along comes a beauty pageant that encourages us to do just that. And some of the girls make you wonder how hideous the rest of her country’s womenfolk are, if a face like a melted doll held next to a church candle, is the best they sick up.

Miss Inflatable didn't win Miss Universe 2011 - she was deemed too animated.

Miss Angola laughed and smiled as the crown was placed on her head at the pageant held in Sao Paulo in Brazil.

All of the 89 entrants competed against one another in categories such as swimsuits and evening gowns. And they even had to answer some questions using their mouths for something other than pouting or grimacing as if they had no lips.

Miss Angola failed to wow millions in a yellow bikini, which scored her only 3.6 with the audience and then followed it with a tightly fitted sequinned evening gown for which they more generously allocated her 7.2 and were clearly slightly more wowed.

‘We were wowed,’ a source told us.

‘I consider myself a woman endowed with inner beauty,’ Ms Angola told the judges. ‘I have acquired many wonderful principles from my family, and I plan to follow those through the rest of my life.’

Are those the family principles that value beauty over humility?

Leila Lopes is the first Angolan contestant to win the oddly coveted title.

These beauty pageants are watched for all the wrong reasons. It’s difficult to say whether they are harmless fun or whether they are another way of keeping women obsessed with appearances and encouraging eating disorders. But for cynics like me, they are an opportunity to roll around the floor laughing whilst wearing yellow stained pyjamas trousers, and with regurgitated gruel down my front, and a comedy hat, in the safe knowledge that I am not the most ridiculous person in the world. Or universe.

Let’s hope being the most beautiful woman in the entire bastard universe doesn’t interfere with the continuation of her education.

Miss Universe 2011 - a young judge puts a contestant through one of the rigorous tests.

Shame they don’t have a pageant for the most interesting woman in the world.

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