Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the world, it happened. What’s the worst possible thing that could happen in the celebrity universe, besides Gaga cloning herself or Madonna releasing another single? Yes, the most feared uterus in the history of showbiz has produced children.
Mariah Carey is now the mother of human twins. And not just the bloated, pendulous space hoppers that she has been swinging about in public since her career began, but proper human children.
The diva and husband Nick Cannon tried hard to keep the pregnancy as quiet and private as possible, by recently posing naked and pregnant for the cover of tasteless celebrity trash rag, Ok! Magazine. The kind of insipid periodical Carey would feel most at home in.
Scary Carey began having cuntractions reaching 8.7 on the Richter Scale (a little less than the earthquake that shook Chile in 2010, claiming hundreds of lives) and finally the unstoppable media hungry songstress was rushed into her own private bespoke hospital once her dilated uterus was clearly visible from space, and then finally extruded the hallowed progeny from her celebrity three-octave vagina at 12.07pm in LA.
In an interview with (not) OK! Magazine, the couple didn’t reportedly say that they didn’t care what gender their imminent progeny were, so long as they had high cheekbones, and could manage at least a 4-and-a-half octave vocal range and were human.
According to ‘sources’ the entertainer’s uterus is lined with the pelts of rare animals and includes a recording studio, home cinema and parking space for at least four vintage sports cars and a 4×4 for navigating the unpredictable terrain of LA’s highways.
Unfortunately, the cuntractions began so suddenly, that Mariah was unable to deliver her baby celebrities at a private audience for Gaddafi as hoped.
The twins, as yet unnamed, are hoping to tour the US in Fall in order to promote their first single and new range of diapers endorsed by their mother.
Let us know what you think about Mariah Carey’s twins (either set) by pouring your thoughts into our comment bucket.
images: ispub.com; latestgalleryphoto.blogspot.com; popeater.com