By Laura Vaverages, Fashion Editor – Celebrities With Diseases
So we are all very excited here at the CWD offices, knowing that Judgement Day is almost upon us, and that, as predicted by Harold Camping, the octogenarian evangelist in California who’s notorious for wrongly predicting the end of the world, in just one day the world and life as we know it (including French manicures) will be changed forever.
Isn’t it difficult to know what to wear?!
Dress up too much and if the world fails to end you’ll look like a proper vagina; go too casual, and you’re risking spending eternity being engulfed not just by flames, but by outfit shame. We’ve all been there girls. LOL.
It’s a shame that no designers have cottoned on to the market for Armageddon attire: there’s certainly a huge lack of fitted flame-proof trousers that are flattering AND will last for eternity. It would certainly give Indonesian five-year-olds something to fill their final few hours with before being sucked down to hell for being poor, vulnerable, easily exploitable and not white.
Well, luckily our fashion stylists at CWD have come up with a foolproof guide to help you through the difficult task of preparing for Armageddon and still looking good in the afterlife. Yes, with a simple change of lipstick colour and dangly earrings you can quickly adapt your earthly look so that you won’t look out of place in Hell.
- If you want attention, a slash of red lipstick never goes out of fashion. Try to keep it mainly in the lip area, and avoid reapplying when drunk.
- Waterproof mascara is a MUST. Don’t even THINK about dying without a good quality waterproof mascara. Maybelline’s iconic pink waterproof mascara is still a great buy and pricewise puts some of the more expensive brands to shame.
- For foundation, again you want something with staying power. Eternity is a long time you know! To ensure a perfect color match for your complexion, take a clementine or a space hopper with you to the make up counter, apply a little foundation to the underside of the space hopper, if it blends in seamlessly, it’s not orange enough.
- Now any woman worth her weight in yeast overgrowth, knows that you can’t go anywhere in this life, or the next, without an oversized bag that not only houses every issue of all your favourite girl mags from the last year (we never get bored of looking at those pictures of all our fave celebs); enough make-up to tart up everyone in the world twice; sufficient celebrity endorsed perfume to marinate China; and what’s more, the giant bag will make your fat arse look smaller by comparison. Result! However, put the bag down and it’s back to being a fat arsed twat again, I’m afraid.
Five words for you; Fake tan! Fake tan! Fake tan! No one wants to be limping around in purgatory with pale skin now do they? Pale skin is natural and what’s more, it’s ugly. So come on girls – orange up! As with most articles in women’s magazines, we’re going to assume that black and Asian women can’t read and will just be looking at the pictures. We’ve included a picture of Whoopi Goldberg to give them a style icon to emulate.
- Waxing. Women with armpit hair are really quite disgusting. It’s ok to look like you’ve been doused in glue and then rolled down a hill made of discarded pubic hair, if you’re a man, but it’s socially unacceptable in ladies. And that’s equality for you.
- Got a bit of pre-Armageddon weight to lose? Simply starve yourself and over exercise. Try alternating Bikram yoga and spinning classes for at least six hours. And if you get hungry, peel a grape and allow the skin (don’t eat the flesh – it’s got a calorie in it!) to rest on your tongue for a few moments. Don’t be tempted to swallow it. And if that doesn’t satisfy you, try standing next to a cashew nut. Keep pictures of pipe cleaners on your refrigerator door to inspire you. And if you still find yourself greedily reaching for a snack, despite being slightly overweight compared to people you see in magazines, pay someone to cut off a finger and shit on your grandmother’s face each time you open the refrigerator. Remember: you could lose a week of your life, simply by eating slightly less than a Daddy Longlegs would. But it’s good news for those fatties who still feel the urge to eat, with the heat of the flames in hell making you sweat, experts say that you could drop a whole dress size! Now that’s worth dying for!
- Hell is no different from Earth and it’s all about high heels. How are men supposed to catch you and rape you, if you can run away? The higher, the better. Take a look at that avatar of style and personality, Victoria Beckham, for tips. If you can’t afford high-heels, give yourself a prawn vindaloo enema and walk on tiptoes, after setting fire to your labia.
- Clothes – it’s got to be the little black dress, the wardrobe staple of every girl. Every girl’s got one or every girl wants one. At CWD the girls in the office even dream about them! That and having babies. The key to looking good in hell is keep it simple. Let flames and your tears of terror be your accessories. Keep necklines low, away from the face – burning flesh can smoulder for days. And less is definitely more. And don’t forget, if you wear a top that leaves the majority of your breasts rippling beneath your chin like two bowls of milk, during an earthquake, classy women will admire you and cerebral men will want to have sex with you, which means you are popular. Keep skirts short but don’t forget to keep a tube of Vaseline handy. Scorched labia, remember?
So that’s it, our guide to surviving the Judgement Day season, without letting your appearance slip. If all else fails, just dress like everyone else, but remember, you can never have too much make up and even when you are eddying in a whirlpool of hot flames about to be sucked down to hell to spend forever being roasted by a Christian myth, that’s no excuse to not be feminine.
Share your Armageddon fashion tips with us by leaving a comment.
images: laughingsquid.com; powerkiteshop.com; blog.joeylombardi.com; pmpnetwork.com