When I found out that the video for Lady Gaga’s new single ‘Judas’ had been leaked like a ruptured colostomy bag all over the internet’s pyjamas, I let out a little bit of excited wee wee. Not because I’m an impudent Gaga fan – I’m neither 12 nor gay, and in honesty I’m slightly repelled by the hideous she-witch – but because it means I get to use lots of synonyms for grotesque, repugnant and whore and antonyms for talented.
Now if there was an award given to cynics, I’d probably stand a fair chance of receiving a runner up prize, or at the very least some kind of rosette. There probably wouldn’t even be an award because a true cynic wouldn’t turn up to receive it. So, when I heard that Gaga’s new video had been mysteriously ‘leaked’ and in doing so had attracted the singer lots of very unwanted attention from the media, my cynical bone kicked in and got fully involved.
Gaga has spread throughout the media like a controlled virus, at the hands of her record label pimps or whoever pulls her puppet strings now that the internet has brought down the recording industry as we knew it. It’s actually very sad that this young brat, and so many like her, is so desperate for attention that she is happy to strip off and whore herself in front of anyone stupid enough to gawp and drool, like she is a medieval joker at the Court of King Twat or the protagonist in a public humiliation film for Madonna wannabes.
Well with the release of ‘Judas’, Gaga has proven once again that she is a mere Madonnabe, (in case the shameless similarities between Gaga’s awful ‘Born this Way’ and Madonna’s infinitely better ‘Express Yourself’ were not evidence enough. [And I’ve got about as much time for Madonna as I’ve got for having extensive labiaplasty without an anaesthetic performed by someone who ate salt and vinegar potato chips prior to surgery and forgot to wash their hands.])
In this latest video SHOCKER she portrays a slutty Mary Magdalene inveigling poor Judas Iscariot into betraying Mr Jesus. How controversial is that! Because Madonna didn’t cause the same stir in the eighties with her ‘Like a Prayer’ video where she burned a few crucifixes, snogged a black jesus and danced around with her norks half hanging out. The difference being that ‘Like a Prayer’ was a catchy and inoffensive pop tune. Whereas ‘Judas’ is a grating dance dirge that isn’t even good enough to boast ‘catchy’ in its entire repertoire of shitness. The chorus is so bad, I laughed out loud, spraying spirulina and avocado smoothie over my monitor. Not that it matters, it’s just a PC.
Now with the state of the world in general, I’d be surprised if the church even gives a shit anymore. They must have enough on their hands trying to save the human race from its imminent downfall and stopping it from taking the rest of our once beautiful planet with it as it goes. They must be so immune to pseudo cult celebrities having a bash at them in order to improve their ‘cool’ that the only people offended by this video are those that realise that they are having their intelligence insulted by a grotesque marionette with megalomaniacal tendencies.
As with Madonna’s successful attempt to garner ‘look at me/love me/adore me’ media attention back then, probably compensating for being short and because her mom died when she was young, Gaga’s video consists of lots of very contentious religious iconography (although it actually doesn’t really) and involves her ululating like a demented shrew and gyrating her over-exposed amorphous child body in some kind of ludicrous contemporary dance moves that make her look like Christine Aguilera’s ugly sister demonstrating how to assemble a shelving unit from Ikea whilst trying to remove marmite from her armpits and inner thighs without using her fingers.
The self appointed iconoclast also hangs out with a scary biker gang in the video called the ‘Sons of Anarchy.’ Is this really what she thinks we think she is? Do some of us really even think that? An anarchist? Would an anarchist really be shitting out droning dance fodder over a repulsive beat? Is this what passes for anarchy these days? Pop?
The video itself is over five and a half minutes of self indulgent twaddle, involving obligatory constant costume change with every blink of the eye, like you are watching a subliminal advert for slave labour clothes constructed by Indonesian 4 year olds with bleeding fingers and empty stomachs, and every other trick employed by pop video makers to stop us from falling asleep in puddles of our own depressed tears of pop music tedium.
Madonna used measured controversy to sell records and get attention and it worked for her as it is working for Gaga. That awful Sex book that gay men wanked over and the fake masturbation scenes during her Blonde Ambition tour, and of course the ‘outrageous’ amalgamation of salacious pop and religion.
Gaga has proudly admitted to being heavily influenced by Madonna in interviews, but just because you admit to being a paedophile, doesn’t mean you can or should carry on doing it.
Us drones really need to learn to recognize the difference between controversy and talent.
And for all those people that keep telling me that ‘she’s actually really talented,’ watch this and then shut up.
That’s not talent. That’s high budget techno trash. She has an ok voice. Wow. I can string a sentence together, does that mean I qualify for the Booker Prize?
If Gaga is the zeitgeist the media would have us believe, then what kind of an indictment on our society is that?
If you would like to spray spirulina and avocado smoothie over your monitor during the chorus of Lady Gaga’s new pop pap shit, the recipe I used is as follows:
1 x banana
½ a large avocado
1 cup of rice or soya milk
1 bunch of spinach
1 tablespoon of spirulina
Put ingredients in high-speed blender and blend until smooth consistency is reached. Pour into a glass and enjoy. Have a cloth handy.
I had to watch it twice to confirm how weak the chorus is and even though I’ll never get those seconds back, I don’t think I want them, now they’ve been sullied by drivel.
“I’m just a holy fool, oh baby he’s so cruel but I’m still in love with Judas, baby.”
Arrrgh! It got into my head! Abort life! Abort life! Great lyricist though, huh?
Tell us your thoughts on the rebarbative harridan’s latest desperate bid for attention by spewing your opinion smoothie all over our comments monitor below.
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