J. K. Rowling described as a true role model in the build up to Harry Potter's final instalment

I must be one of the rare few people in the Western world who has neither read nor watched a Harry Potter book or movie. I’ve managed to demonstrate such constraint partly because they are children’s books written for children and read by children (and inexplicably grown women) and I stopped reading children’s books when I stopped being a child (and the chances of me becoming a grown woman are looking slighter by the day. Back hair is so unfeminine.) I’m still trying to quit colouring books, but damn they’re addictive.

The main reason is that I have no interest in them. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I’m not part of J. K. Rowling’s demographic. If it’s not a repugnantly gratuitous titty fest with more flesh on show than an English butcher’s window at the height of the mad cow disease scare and with at least 37 minutes of self indulgent car chases with billions of dollars worth of CGI explosions – twice – then I’m not interested. I’m a man. Is 90 minutes of tits and guns with a Neanderthal dialogue that protozoa wouldn’t find intellectually challenging too much to ask for?

JK Rowling seen here not flashing her breasts to the public but still managing to be a success. Who knew?

I admire JK Rowling to bits. She’s made an amazing amount of money from her novel writing, achieved astronomical success and she hasn’t resorted to flashing her breasts or behaving provocatively to increase media attention and double the hype. That must be what it’s like to be properly talented. Music and film industries take note. I think she’s a truly admirable role model in a world where so many female role models are repellent media whores prepared to do absolutely anything for attention, whether that be donning a crap frock made of bacon or spreading their legs to show the world what they ate for breakfast several days ago.

Harry Potter and Voldemort (he who shall not be named but has been named a lot) slug it out over the young wizard's wand one last time

So last night the new trailer for the next apparently very exciting instalment of Harry Potter’s adventures, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, (out July 17) was released across the internet, and people are of course going a little crazy for it.

Fanaticism is a weird one, unless you are extremely cynical (who me?), it seems you’ll accept anything that the object of your worship shits out, regardless of its quality or uniqueness. As an example, Madonna’s career should have been over 15 years ago but the quality of her output matters not as she can do no wrong according to her faithful fanbase of ingratiates.

Some media whore wearing a meat dress for publicity

Fans are like mothers who refuse to believe that their precious sons couldn possibly have committed that rape on an eight-year-old girl. Everything he does is right and everything anybody says to the contrary is wrong. That child clearly led him on. She was gagging for it. Loyalty is cool, but stupidity is dangerous.

True Potter fans are a little bit obsessive. They’d queue outdoors overnight during a cruel winter, wearing just their Harry Potter socks and Lord Voldermort lipstick, to be the first to get their hands on a Harry Potter pencil case with free intimate wipe.

It wouldn’t matter if this new HP episode was a putrid pile of steaming hyena dung, it will get raved about regardless. It could be called Harry Potter and the Loft Extension, Part 3: Insulation and people would still be arriving in droves like sanguinary zombies surrounding a small obese child with a gaping leg wound.

Harry Potter fans queue up during a harsh winter, thankfully sporting more than Harry Potter socks and Voldemort lipstick

And the media is no better. MTV.com are so excited about the release of the trailer (god help them, when the actual film comes out) that they have done a bit of excitable internet wee wee in their virtual pants and transcribed the entire trailer for us, for those of us who can’t see images and can only read text. They’re not trying to achieve a certain word count or fill up column inches at all.

Here’s the transcription from the MTV website:

The trailer opens with a distraught Lily Potter (Harry’s mom) speaking to her infant son. “Harry, be safe,” she says in a strained whisper. “Be strong.” Cut to the words “Every moment he’s lived has led to this,” before an eerie voice-over by evil Dark Lord Voldemort comes in over flashback scenes of key moments in several of the previous seven films.

“Harry Potter, you have fought valiantly,” Voldemort sneers. “Now join me, and confront your fate.”

From here on out, much like the action in the second half of J.K. Rowling’s seventh Potter book, things get very intense. There are flashes of Voldemort in several states of mind and presence, all of them ferocious and teeming with dark force.

“You’ve kept him alive so he can die at the proper moment,” Snape says to him at one point.

Cut to Harry, Ron and Hermione riding a dragon, continuing their dangerous quest for the final horcruxes that will help bring an end to the Dark Lord.

This is followed by the beginning shots, or so it seems, of the epic battle royale at Hogwarts. Death eaters are surrounding the school, and Professor McGonagall orders the magical protectors of the school to come to life and protect them. What looks like the Dark Lord’s army is shown assembled outside the gates, ready to attack, while our favorite Potter protagonists are shown waiting anxiously inside the school.

Suddenly the final battle is in full swing, wands slinging, wizards clashing, all of which can be very briefly summarized by these words: death and destruction.

In the midst of all the madness, there are emotional moments that seem to show favorite characters preparing to meet certain death. One poignant moment occurs in a brief exchange between Harry and Snape, a character who has always mysteriously walked the line between good and evil.

“Tell them how it happened that night,” Harry says angrily to Snape, before a flashback of Dumbledore’s death appears onscreen. “How you looked him in the eye, a man who trusted you, and killed him!”

There is also a brief moment where Harry is surrounded by the ghostly presences of his loved ones, people like his mother and godfather Sirius Black.

“You’ll stay with me?” Harry asks his illusory supporters.

“Always,” answers his mother.

“Until the end,” Black adds.

The remaining seconds are all about action, action, action — specifically, the fight between Harry and Voldemort.

“Come on, Tom, let’s finish this the way we started,” Harry says to Voldemort as they stand on the precipice of a cliff. “Together!”

This is followed by more quick cuts of wand-wielding and explosions. And then Voldemort and Harry are shown battling once more, this time crawling toward one wand.

“Only I can live forever,” Voldemort says with finality.

I mean…what a tactic to employ just to increase the word count of an article.

So, I won’t be watching the new Potter movie. Will you?

Please share your thoughts on J. K. Rowling as a role model or the final Harry Potter film by leaving a comment.

images: ecouterre.com, guardian.co.uk,