In a Hollywood and Marvel Comics influenced world we’re encouraged to think of our superheroes as tall, dark and handsome (or green) types with more charisma than Jesus performing Led Zeppelin covers while distributing loaves and fish via his mind to starving masses all over the world.
So when we’re confronted with the reality of an individual who dislpays ‘super powers’, we could be forgiven for feeling a little confused. Firstly, he’s six years old, not a twenty-something adonis; he’s short and obese, not the archetypal tall, dark, handsome adonis; he’s Croatian and not American (because all superheroes are Yanks of course) and lastly he has a really awkward name which I’m really not looking forward to typing frequently.
Yes, six year old, Croatian, tubby superhero Ivan Stoiljkovic (see) may not be obviously attractive, but he can certainly charm the iron from your blood and with a quick fondle and a rub down afterwards he can put you right again; you see Ivan Stoiljkovic is magnetic.
Ivan’s parents claim their super powered child can carry up to 25kg of metal on his chest when using his powers of attraction and his repetoire includes frying pans, forks, spoons, mobile phones and dumbbells.
The readily smiling super chubber may well be one of the most attractive people on the planet but there are undoubtedly consequences to having such powers. Indeed Ivan is slowly developing a list of enemies as his magnetic, Eric Lensherr-esque personality is destroying their livelihoods.
The growing list includes ‘TV Store Owner Man’, a local business man tormented by Ivan’s powers of magnetism, driven mad by the constant colour abberations caused by the super child as he passes the electrical store; then there’s ‘Angry Hardware Store Man’ who believes that Magnetic Boy is an evil thief trying to put him out of business. You could fogive him for thinking so as every time Ivan visits the store he leaves with more countersunk slot heads than he paid for.
But his arch-nemesis is ‘Video Rental Store Man’ whose business was completely destroyed by the film addicted Ivan who erased every tape in the shop while looking for the latest X-Men collection.
Video Rental Store Man has made smiting the rotund fondler his mission in life and will not rest until justice has been served. Preferably not on a try Ivan had stuck to his chest.
Ivan does have his doubters though as some people are beginning to pour scorn on his so-called powers. Many are starting to believe that he is in fact not magnetic at all, but just slightly more adhesive and slopey that your average Joe, saying that Ivan doesn’t have magic powers, he’s just very tacky.
But what of his healing powers you ask?
With just a quick grope Ivan can heal your body of any ills. He is often seen touching up his neighbours or other kids down the street as he rids them of ailments. One woman had a terrible affliction; a damaged pubic bone which Ivan was called in to heal. He laid his hands upon the afflicted area and she soon became ecstatic as his warm hands got to work. She was delighted with Ivan’s abilities and praised the day she had her clitoris pierced.
Video evidence is sketchy at best but here’s a clip of the pocket fatty going about his business.
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Read about other superheroes like Spider-Man; Batman, The Joker, Thor and Iron Man.
images: dailycontributor.com; everyjoe.com; metro.co.uk; magneto-trailer.blogspot.com;