Sick Celebrities


Geri Halliwell introduces dull bikini range


British ginger celebrity Geri Halliwell, the most desperate of all the Spice Girls, has brought out another range of bikinis for mumsy high-street clothing store Next in the UK. A brand that if it was a flavor of potato chip, would be plain. And a bit stale.

I kind of admire Ginger Spice, she compensated for her lack of talent with remarkable gung ho spirit, and is still managing to remain in the public eye, despite being famous for being famously crap; alternately fat and skeletal; and for being ginger. She was the original Madonna wannabe, long before Lady Gaga had even finished inventing herself.

As per usual the girls were so busy having a good time they forgot to get fully dressed

The entire concept of the Spice Girls was crap. Even the name was crap. The songs were routine pop fodder that Peter Waterman might have accidentally shat out whilst standing on an escalator, after eating a particularly powerful curry, having just received some upsetting news. He wouldn’t even need to be awake or conscious. But despite this, or because of it, they still managed to compete with the Beatles with the amount of hysteria that surrounded them, thanks to manager Simon Fuller and large quantities of bribery.

Hysterical teenage girls are the most terrifying thing on the planet and aren’t even old enough to have formed proper personalities, let alone be called upon to demonstrate good taste in music. There other fans, the gay contingency, will strangely like anything with a pair of tits, a feather boa, and enough fake tan to make the Golden Gate Bridge look like it’s just spent a fortnight in Barbados, that lip syncs over an irritating and interchangeable pop melody, so long as they don’t have to fuck it.

But enough hype was created around this contrived group of underqualified Top Shop rejects to ensure that, sickeningly, they have staying power, in our memories at least, even if the thought of recalling one of their insipidly catchy ditties is enough to make us horripilate and make our mouths water like we might be about to ejaculate the culmination of a particularly insidious gastric virus.

Never shy about displaying her wares, Geri Halliwell models outside Top Shop at Oxford Circus

So the unremitting gingestress, who unlike the others, at least shows a glimmer of personality, has mind raped us again, this time using the opportunity to wear nothing but her bland swimwear designs and a bit of photoshop.

The ‘Geri by Next’ collection includes several generic designs that could have been created by anyone. In which case, perhaps the ‘singer/songwriter’ did have some involvement, afterall.

‘This is a collection that makes you look good and feel fabulous,’ she enthused, impudently hoping to follow in the footsteps of Victoria Beckham, who has been ‘designing’ clothes for the Hollywood elite in recent years. With her own hands and everything. Apparently. If you believe that. This is someone whose signature consists of two intersecting lines.

When asked about the Spice Girls performance at the 2012 Olympics held in the UK next year, Halliwell was eloquently quoted as saying,  ‘It needs to put itself back on the map on a world stage. This is our opportunity to show that British music, which has led and dominated the world, should do, always.’

And apparently we’re going to do this by letting a bunch of mediocre has-beens that in the real world, should have become bloated housewives with office jobs at best, access to a dressing up box full of lurid clothes and an autotuner.

Other countries must be quaking in their boots.

The bikini collection comes after other celebrities such as Penelope Cruz, Madonna and Kate Moss have all contributed collections to high-street stores.

Apparently, Halliwell is in the process of releasing an eponymous signature fragrance called ‘’Twit”.

Why not slip your thoughts on the subject into a bikini shaped comment below. Go on, you know you want to.


Back to top