David Beckham Dead But Still Buying Liz Taylor’s Jewels for Victoria

Please tell me it’s not true! No! No! He can’t be planning to buy Liz Taylor’s jewels for his greasy pig-faced wife?

David Beckham doesn’t know the saying ‘you can’t polish a turd’ because he can’t read. So he also doesn’t know that he died in a car crash.

[adsense]Haters of useless celebs faces positively lit up this morning when they heard that David Beckham was dead. Imagine their disappointment: the champagne bottles were uncorked, tablecloths laid, spam sandwiches sliced etc. It’s not that we want David Beckham dead of course –that would be truly vicious, he’s not Lady Gaga after all. He’s just a daft man taking advantage of what fate threw at him, but it’s what he and his vapid wife stand for – you know, the decline of society, the ability to kick a ball valued over intellect and individuality, appearance over substance, superficiality over depth… that’s what’s disgusting and makes him and wifey so easily detestable as public figures.

Victoria Beckham reacts to news of David's death.

Victoria Beckham became hysterical when she heard news of David's death in a car crash.

Twitter lit up on Wednesday when fans of men who can kick things expressed their shared grief over a hoaxy old tale of Beckham buying it in a car crash. Yet another fake celebrity death courtesy of the social networking tool aimed at the Neanderthal masses. More disappointment from the ranks of the celeb-haters. Booo! I’d pay to see the look on Victoria Beckham’s face if it was true. She might manage to twitch an eyebrow.

Smack me on the ass and call me ‘cynical’ but this death hoax business strangely materializes at the very same time that the undead David Beckham is promoting his new scent aka ‘Ug’.

Victoria Beckham pig-face

Greasy pig-face Victoria Beckham wonders what to wear to David's funeral.

These hoaxes are becoming common and boring, mainly because they are irritatingly untrue and should be enough to destroy any legitimacy that el Internet and its filthy progeny Twitter ever had. Was it ever a credible source of information? Just look at Wikipedia – a factual online encyclopedia written by the generally insane general public. Chinese whispers on a giant scale.

Other celebrity sites were quick to leak the story including details of the crash that never happened saying that it was a friend’s car and that Beckham was killed instantly after rolling the vehicle several times. Except that it never happened. ‘Witnesses’ even stated that they saw the vehicle cross double lines several times. For the funeral unfortunately a closed casket will be necessary ‘sources’ say, not because he suffered severe head trauma, but because he won’t be in there. Although I’m guessing lots of ‘friends’, ‘witnesses’ and ‘sources’ will be happy to provide plenty of information about the faux funeral anyway.

David Beckham kicking a ball

David Beckham kicks a ball - go on my son!

It makes you wonder if anything you read on the Internet is ever really true. It seems to be a big bag of hairy binary shit aimed at convincing the smelly, the needy and the gullible that excrement is really chocolate. And I thought that was Cadbury’s USP.

In other Beckham related news, the ball kicker is planning to surprise wife and bone bag, Victoria Beckham, the human equivalent of a cheese string, with Elizabeth Taylor’s diamond collection worth a few million or something, according to ‘a source’.  If a talentless court jester such as Victoria Beckham is going to own Liz Taylor’s diamonds, we might as well give Katie Price the keys to Buckingham Palace.

Liz Taylor's jewels

Liz Taylor's jewels - soon to belong to blow-up doll Victoria Beckham.

The jewels are due for auction in December at Christies with all proceeds going to the Elizabeth Taylor AIDS Foundation.

You can’t polish a turd, David. You’ll get smelly fingers.

It’s a depressing indictment of our times that he kicks a ball and she is notoriously useless but between them they are worth over $200million or some shit like that – that’s at least $199,999,995 more than they deserve.

I sometimes worry I might run out of negative things to say about the Beckhams, but that’s clearly just me being paranoid. I don’t wish they were dead, but I do wish they would stop polluting the media with their tiresome existence.

If you would like to comment on this piece, rush to the Beckham’s defence etc you can kick one into the comment goal below. Please be aware that this is an opinion piece and unfortunately is in no way indicative of the way the rest of the world sees the Beckhams. Shame.

Images: seitenblicke.at, ladyobama.com, glamour.com, top10list.org, crushable.com, hrhairstyles.com, bestsportsstars.blogspot.com.

One thought on “David Beckham Dead But Still Buying Liz Taylor’s Jewels for Victoria

  1. “they would stop polluting the media with their tiresome existence.” Worse yet is polluting the planet with their usless, moronic spawn. Just goes to show, its not what you know, its who you blow.

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