Doomsdayers are at it again, shitting out preposterous predictions and threatening us with Judgement Day, despite knowing we all hate sequels. Between Blondie, and Reverend Camping and his repugnantly evangelical Christian Radio station, it’s difficult not to be entirely convinced that the Day of Rapture or Judgement Day, pencilled in for May 21st, will result in all the lovely Christians exeunting this world stage up, in order to be welcomed in heaven by a gathering of exquisite white-frocked angels, offering them low fat cream cheese, and spoiling the extremely devout with Ferrero Rocher. If I’d spent my entire life avoiding murder and adultery and without coveting my neighbour’s house or wife’s ass, I’d be after greater recompense than a Ferrero Rocher or two.
In grave news, Camping, a preacher from Oakland, California, has forecast the Second Coming of the Lord (which is rare for a man) on the 21st May this very year, and specifically, at about 18hrs, when 2% of the world’s population will be inducted or “raptured” into heaven, and the rest of us filthy minded miscreants, will all be damned to hell. Shit!
Harald Camping – the president of the eerie radio station – is no stranger to forecasting the false end of the world and the like. His calculations are so reliable that this isn’t his first proposed end of the world. He already prognosticated that the world would end in 1994. A prediction that was squelched slightly by the world not ending in 1994. And still hasn’t, which is quite a wide margin for error. Dunno about you, but I’m still here. A spokesman for his company reported that his calculations were off due to some verses in Matthew 24. That’s it, blame the bible, because it’s rubbish; it’s got no pictures, there’s no fucking in it and it’s written funny. Yeah you shared two fish and five loaves between five thousand people did you Jesus? Slightly preposterous. That’s not feeding, that’s teasing. Viennetta? No, I really couldn’t fit another thing in after that crumb and fish scale that Jesus gave me. He wouldn’t get ten points on Come Dine With Me with that shit.
“Jesus, with this fish scale and bread crumb you are truly spoiling us.”
The terrifying evangelist has extracted good Christian money from the fear-mongering of foolhardy religious mongoloids, and by terrifying old folk into sending him their life savings, in order to spend it on propaganda, including the proven method of circulating A5 paper fliers and by despatching four, yes four, entire caravans to circumambulate the globe informing around 7 billion people of the imminent end of the world. Why propagandists do this is beyond me. If they are correct, their moment of glory will be fairly transient, what with the world ending. Spending time and money on informing people the world will end, is a bit like a cartoon villain squandering valuable moments describing the method he will employ to kill you, and then demonstrating it nicely with a Powerpoint presentation. Just get on with it.
Having spent 70 years studying the bible, Camping’s came up with the following irrefutable calculation: the 21st May 2011 is 722,500 days from the 1st April 33 (the day when he believes the crucifixion took place). The world will end on 21st May, because you reach 722,500 by multiplying 5, 10 and 17 (three very holy numbers) together, twice. Seventy years, that’s all I’m saying.
Some claim that Camping himself is a false prophet, that his radio station is heretical and that his claims are bogus! [Incredulous gasp.]
One brilliant organization is cashing in on the stupidity and gullibility of the misguided fanatical half heads that drink this bullshit up like it was nutritious religious milkshake, by offering to look after their pets once they have abandoned this world and gone shuffling into the next one wearing sensible shoes and boasting side partings you could dissect cheese with.
For just 135 bucks per hairy or befeathered companion (paid prior to 21st May one assumes and with no refunds) this philanthropic group of animal lovers, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA will happily take over the care of your furry friends post Judgement Day, when all the really pious and intelligent amongst us are summoned to heaven to dance their sandals off in the most boring discotheque of all time. The atheists that run this organization must be laughing their sacrilegious scrotal sacks off. Mine’s been missing for several hours now. I’d retrace my footsteps but there is a stream of fresh bollock blood obscuring my path.
To ensure that the pets will be taken care of and that potential staff members are indeed who they say they are ie atheists, they are forced to foully blaspheme. ”But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.” Thus ensuring that come May 21st, when all the good people have been nicked by heaven to go and be dull in the land upstairs, these filthy minded non-believers will still be sticking around and ergo, will be able to feed Rover his small pellets of slaughterhouse biproducts combined with corn and soy derivates, sugar and salt that veterinarians have been paid to claim contain everything a dog needs to have a really interesting and varied diet. That’s why he’s got those big sharp teeth – for eating tiny biscuits. And colon cancer.
I’m a believer. I believe that there are going to be a lot of confounded dullards waking up on the 22nd and arriving at work wearing both an embarrassed shrug and a horrific cardigan. I’d like to hear how Christian Radio open their programme on the morning of the 22nd May. I reckon the first word uttered will be “Mmmmm,” followed by some bullshit excuse.
So if I’m wrong and Camping is correct, that’s 2% less defective twats to deal with and more room for me and my disgracefully licentious friends to enjoy scatalogic wife-swapping parties where we scoff other people’s wives’ dung whilst masturbating in the underworld.
If we are banished to hell, I reckon if we all strap a few throw cushions to our backs at about 17:45 on the 21st of May and stick a couple of candles in our pockets, we’ll soon create a nice ambience there. And we won’t even need matches.
Share your thoughts on Camping’s prophecy but make it quick because time is running out.
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