Serial arsetumbler (© 2011 Strucorp) and U2 front man, Bono (short for Bono Vox, an Irish shop he named himself after which literally translates to “short bastard”) is considering having surgery to extend his legs because he’s only five foot tall.
After receiving abuse from Kasabian singer Tom something-or-other, Bono also feels the additional height will give him a distinct edge in a fist fight should it come to it. Not The Edge, that much maligned and balding U2 guitarist, no, more of a physical edge.
The surgery is a new, revolutionary technique that takes excess bone and muscle mass from the ego and fingers and places it in the thighs and calves. Due to Bono’s spade like hands, doctors feel they could offer him an extra several feet and he is considering going as high as eight feet.
His current diminutive stature requires him to wear platform shoes, a big hat and drag a huge television set around everywhere he goes so that people can see his ego from space. With the additional height afforded by top surgeons, Bono will be able to ditch the hat so the world will be able to enjoy the pubic hair from his arse which was used to fill in the bald spots on his fat noggin.
Being from Liecester, UK, Tom thingy from Kasabian is not threatened by Bono or his fans who he dubbed “cardboard cut outs who like one band and one record – Joshua Tree”, because he’s from the East Midlands and is therefore actually pretty hard.
Luckily Bono has back up from George W. Bush with whom he made friends during the G8 thing a few years ago. You may remember Madonna, Bob Geldof and U2 played a concert in Hyde Park, London and raised over $60m to aid third world countries. A staggering $7m of that has so far reached those intended to benefit leaving a huge financial deficit the size of Bono’s bald spot (the one he had plugged with arse pubes) and questions over where the money has gone.
Still, the world patted itself on the back and celebrities lied to themselves about how valuable and useful they are to society.
The worst part is that a massive protest took place on the same day in Edinburgh, Scotland but the media were too busy feeling the love at Hyde Park and diverting the public’s attention away from the fact that world leaders were preparing to rape their civil liberties.
Luckily Bono is part of the Jubilee 2000 scheme which aimed to encourage first world leaders to drop Africa’s $40bn debt (something Bill Gates could do on his own and still have enough change to buy Monsanto), thus freeing the oppressed people there from tyranny and enslavement. Except that it doesn’t drop the country’s debts, it just allows corrupt politicians and monarchs to continue pouring international aid into their own pockets, still depriving the people who really need it.
Bono was not available for comment regarding lengthening surgery but don’t be surprised to see him lining up for the New York Knicks soon.
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Read about Bono’s back surgery, his World AIDS Day speech, and his deadly spider-man musical.
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