Big Brother 13 launches tonight on CBS – yawn

Flogging a horse that should have been retired to the knackers yard at least five seasons ago, the 13th season of Big Brother starts on CBS this evening and no doubt brings the usual parade of self-aggrandizing, bikini wearing, fake tanned, body flaunting blow-up dolls with astronomical egos commensurate with people at least twenty times as unique and interesting, and who crave fame marginally more than a victim of sunstroke with a hangover who has just finished a Bikram yoga class, and eaten a bowl of particularly salty soup, craves water. And with a couple of old or, heaven forbid, fat people thrown in for good measure. It is ‘reality’ TV after all.

You either ashamedly love it, like a nice big plate of smack; or you hate it and love to hate it with a strength of passion usually only reserved for Tom Cruise. Some people are so obsessed they will watch reruns of past seasons, despite already knowing the outcome, which makes them quite odd. Odd in a bad way. Or they will stay up late at night watching the contestants sleep, in the hope that one of them might try to slip a finger inside someone else. Which makes them quite dirty, not to mention late for work the next day.

Big Brother 12's Rachel

Big Brother 12 - Rachel. BB appeals to a certain class of contestant.

It must be very cheap television to make. 50 cameras, a reusable set, the actors are free and the audience are captive and undemanding. I probably wouldn’t complain at all if I was a television executive. But I’m always left wondering what the point of it is? It’s not funny, it’s not educational, it’s not interesting. Big Brother is completely pointless. We just like to watch gits make idiots of themselves.

 

Hosted by Julie Chen, the theme for the house this year is Venice, California, complete with surfboards, graffiti and the likes. One of the bedrooms is inspired by inflatable doll Kate Perry (pink, common and artificial then) and another is inspired by Frank Gehry, the architect.

Twists and turns this season so far consist of there being only 8 main housemates to commence with, with the remaining slots being filled by previous housemates that they have called ‘dynamic duos’. Have there really been any BB contestants that could be accurately described as ‘dynamic’? I’m not sure ‘smug’ or ‘dull’ are synonyms for dynamic.

Anyway, some notably dynamic contestants that kick-off in the BB13 house are:

Shelley: She’s the essential older one. I think BB put an oldie in there just to make the others look even more painfully immature and detestable by comparison. She’s only 41 but in BB years and in the eyes of the BB demographic who intend to commit suicide when they reach the grand old age of 25, living to such an age makes her a freak of nature. And invisible.

Big Brother 13 - Shelley

Big Brother 13 - Shelly, the really old one

Cassi: A southern model with an irritating accent who didn’t even audition for the show. In other words, she must be really truly awful if BB13 actually invited her to participate. They must think she’s good television. Ergo, she must be absolutely loathsome.

Kalia: She’s the requisite big-titted one. Big Brother without big jugs, wouldn’t be Big Brother at all. BB doesn’t refer to cup size you know.

Big Brother 13 - Kalia

Big Brother 13 - Kalia. She was successful for two reasons.

Lawson: Describes himself as ‘handsomexy’. I think ‘unfathomabley tittish’ would be more pertinent.

Keith: Genuinely appears to be an absolute out-and-out cock. Stands a good chance of winning.

Big Brother 13 - Keith

Big Brother 13 - the abominable Keith

I’m bored of having hateable losers paraded in front of me so that I can decide who to humiliate (even though they deserve it) and who to deem least vile. They’ve made it too easy, now.

Big Brother might be watching me. But I’m not watching it. I think I’ll do something else. Big Bother more like.

If you’d like to cast your vote on Big Brother 13, you can slip something in the comments box below:

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