Beckham Baby Due Today: It's a girl!

Those adorably lifelike mannequins, the Beckhams – treated like royalty for some reason that has managed to obscure itself safely behind any kind of logic – are due to eject more progeny into the world today.

Lady Victoria Beckham of Vacuous has booked in to have a caesarean for this fourth Beckhamette, probably because a 17-calorie-per-day diet doesn’t provide enough energy to give the required push. Plus it would involve changing her facial expression from her usual affronted blow-up-doll pout.

Two-dimensional father-to-be David Beckham enthused “It’s a whole new different thing for us. To have so much pink in the house, lilac in the house, and dresses. All the clothes are ready, the room’s ready. We’re really excited.”

Can we safely guess that it will be a female type of human then? Which apparently is a completely different species to its male counterpart.

I’ve always found it a little distasteful, not to mention dull, how parents force their children into gender specific roles before they are even born. This baby Beckham princess is going to be wearing high-heels and lip gloss by the time she attends kindergarten, if Victoria can wait that long to start dressing her doll up. Whilst her male siblings are playing football, war games and shooting small animals in the face with plastic firearms no doubt.

Little boys pretend to kill peopleWe extrude our progeny through gender specific moulds so early on in life, encouraging girls to be useless coquettes, and boys to be competitive and monger war. What is so wrong with bringing a child up in a more gender neutral environment? Are we terrified our daughters will grow up to be filthy rotten smelly rugby-shirted lesbians, or even worse, feminists if they don’t get asphyxiated by pink and forced into dresses from the moment they take their first breath? Maybe mothers need to grow up and start providing an enriched environment that breeds equality and creativity for their daughters, not just see them as a wriggling dolly made of flesh, bone and muscle that they can dress up at will and play happy stupid housey housey with.

Little girl who wants to be just like her mother.

Lessons start early for little girls.

Children should be wearing clothes they can run, climb and jump in. A flirty dress and lacy tights aren’t practical attire for anyone, except hookers, nor are they going to be particularly effective as a paedophile repellent. I mean they do want to repel paedophiles don’t they?

We human beings are obsessed with gender, and our society has ‘created’ differences between the two sexes, forcing those differences on us at every opportunity from the moment we are separated from the umbilical cord.

There is no reason for little boys and girls to have different toys or different clothes to one another.

Girls playing rugby

These ladies clearly didn't wear pink dresses when they were little girls.

When I was a child I was given Christmas presents such as dolls, a baby ironing board, a mini vacuum cleaner and a small plastic cooker, so I could pretend to look after children, clean and cook, so that when I was older I knew exactly what was expected of me. Me and my brother (who was male) used to play together. I used to pull the heads of my dolls and we used to kick them around the garden. We built spacecrafts out of old boxes and pretended to be the characters from 70s sci-fi shows like Logan’s Run and Space 1999. Sometimes my characters were male and sometimes they were female. Much as they are now, my vacuum cleaner, ironing board and cooker remain pretty much unused, gathering dust and providing an assault course for ambitious spiders. And I am still – thank god – childless.

Little girls will have plenty of time to dress like microtarts or princesses when they are older. Between the ages of 0 and hitting teenage, perhaps we should let them be what they are, fairly genderless little human beings. They will be bombarded by gender roles from their mothers, sisters, school friends, neighbours and in the media in good time.

Perhaps if most little girls weren’t brought up to care more about their appearance than the world around them; and maybe if little boys weren’t brought up participating in competitive sports and encouraged to play aggressive games, there would be less hostility in the world, more intelligent well-rounded and functional people – maybe the different genders would find out they had more in common than society would have us believe, and perhaps the world would be a slightly better place.

If you are male and would like to make a comment about gender roles in society, please insert it in the comment box below. If you are female and have a comment to make, please shut up and get back to the ironing.

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